Saturday, July 30, 2005

Down with love

Now that the boyfriend is no longer in the country, my weekends are spent as a quirkyalone.

Having nothing to do today for a change (including a guy, wink wink), I decided to pursue the only other self gratification women do when all alone...don't get too excited. I'm talking about shopping.

Since I consifer myself the patron saint of shoes, I went and bought the most perfect kolahpuris. Only a woman can understand how it feels when something fits that snugly inside you...oops I mean on you...

I've been informed by a very close guy pal, that now cheating on my man doesn't count since he's across the seven seas. When I asked my pal to list these seven seas, he couldn't come up with too many names. Anyway, I'm a firm believer that distance makes the heart wander. Lets just see how long it takes mine.

I tried to seduce a guy I know and was out with for coffee, but got distracted by the Dark Temptation dessert at Barista. He probably is confused at the mixed signals now, and a little pissed as he didn't seem too keen on repeating the date.

Later I bumped into a hot dude at the book store. But just as I was about to strike steamy eye-to-eye contact, I noticed a shelf marked "50% off" on popular fiction.

I need to do something quick. Can't afford to appear too angelic or shrinking violet like when I have freedom for a couple of weeks. It would down my market value. But apparently, I'm as good at cheating as Yuvraj is at being modest.

Any pointers?

Friday, July 22, 2005

Sweet Sixteen

Its so reassuring to read posts and comments from other women who went through the same "navel reaching" phases as I did. What's embarrasing is that I'm still at navel level! Well, one works with what one has ;-)

I decided to rid the "pehla nasha" string in the post title as I was worried people may not want to read more about my personal embarassments. But now that you've clicked this link, and I've already got you in here, you may as well read what I've got!

Sweet sixteen brought the most amazing man in my life. After having been burnt with karate chopping casanovas, I decided that "good guys" were just what I needed. My latest crush was again older to me (college man...drool drool), and sang in the Church choir. So eager was I to empress him, that I joined the choir too. Now he's no longer there, but I still am :-|

He was giving engineering entrances, and since he was an engg student in 11th and 12th, and so was I (will coincidences never cease), I found plenty of opportunities to seek his inputs and advice about my subjects. Every Sunday, from the time I returned home till I dropped off to sleep, I would narrate every tiny movement he'd made, or words he'd spoken, to my poor folks. They'd pretty much given up on me. I think they were just glad I wasn't in love with some lunatic (I also thought those days that Akshay Kumar was the sexiest and best actor in the world, so I can't blame them for having their doubts about my choices).

His parents were damn fond of me, so when I asked his mom (I was older so I knew which side of my bread to butter) for his old notes, she was only too glad to give me a huge pile of everything he'd ever read in 11th and 12th. At the time I thought she did this because she saw me as a potential daghter-in-law. Now I think she just wanted to get all the moth eaten and dusty books out of her pretty and clean home.

The entire affair came to an embarrasing stop one evening when the dude had to drop me home. I had run to his car earlier in the evening, so I could grab the seat upfront next to him. I'd kept the windows rolled down so we could get the cool monsoon breeze. It was just the two of us in the car after we'd dropped the other people off. Driving on a beautiful evening for about an hour together. We talked about a lot of things..well, he talked and I just listened and laughed at all his jokes (I think I may have laughed a tad too hard at some of the poor ones).

Anyway, when we got to my place, I got out of the car, and he asked me if I could just roll up the window for the backseat as he couldn't quite reach it. He didn't want people in buses aiming puke at his back seats. Brimming with joy at his request for help, I didn't open the car door at the back, but confidently stuck my hand in through the window, reached for the handle, and started rolling up the window. He was staring at me (and I thought, now I have him!), when suddenly I realized I couldn't roll up the window anymore as my arm was stuck.

Stop laughing!! Yes, my arm was stuck folks, between the glass and the top of the window. If you don't quite understand what I'm saying, please go out to your cars and try rolling up a window from the outside of the car without the door open...

At that point, I remember thinking, if there was an earthquake right now, and the earth could crack open, and I were to fall inside that crack, I think that would be a dream come true. I also remember thinking that this gorrila I'd heard about in the US who could use sign language was probably smarter than I ever would be.

I learnt my lesson that evening. I decided I preferred men on bikes.

That was till I was at the back of one, and the biker in question tried to drive off a bit too soon after dropping me off at college. My pretty top got caught between the seat and the backrest. And tore. All the way from the waist to the arm hole. It was flapping in the air. Infront of my crowded college. I was in 1st year. That was my 2nd week.


Sunday, July 17, 2005

Pehla Nasha...again

My series of self-humiliation did not end with the dawn of puberty. Hell, it was just the beginning.

At age 15 I fell in love with this senior at school. He was in 11th grade (and totally out of reach for a 9th grader), but the allure of the forbidden fruit was unimaginable.

He was something of a national champ in Judo (I found men who could do martial arts very sexy at one point of time). He was also the "bad boy" in school. He won all the sporting awards, studied at the last minute, was popular with the ladies, and still regularly got into trouble.

I used to spy on him with my best friend, till we realized we both had a crush on him. We fought like cats, and since I'm known to be persuasive, I managed to make her "drop" her crush on him so I could have the misery all to myself. In retrospect, it doesn't seem like such a good idea.

The happiest day of my life was when he smiled at me once in the corridors. I think my trailing him throughout the lunch period tipped him off to the fact that I may have liked him.

Anyway, after that, he gave me a fair bit of attention. I was just growing into my looks (read as didn't have to stuf socks anymore) and I think he was beginning to notice. For example, once I pretended to fall infront of the volleyball court, and he left a game mid-way, to rush to me to find out if I was ok (yea right, like I didn't see through that one); another time, he stood in the elections for Sports Captain, and when he came to our class for canvassing, I told him I wouldn't vote for him just to get his attention. He asked if he could speak with me later, and then when he did, he bought me a coke and told me how I was so popular that if I didn't vote for him my friends may not either (sure, that's what he wanted, a vote, as if I didn't know he just wanted to have a drink with me).

Life sprinkled with such incidences made it quite interesting. Till he went ahead and got himself a girlfriend!

God, I was heartboken. Suddenly I realized that maybe he really did just leave the game to see if I wasn't hurt badly, and maybe he just got me that coke to get me to vote for him (which I did, and so did all my friends) I remember sobbing into my pillow that night. Maybe this was my punishment for having kicked my 4th grade romeo in the balls...

A couple of months later, his batch passed out. I cried at the farewell where I was a volunteer. It seemed like I would never love again.

2 days later we found out that he'd gotten sloshed at the conti party, had sex with his girlfriend and dumped her! Boy, what a wakeup call!!

Never one to linger upon bad experiences, 3 days later I was in love again.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Pehla Nasha...

I was chatting with a friend today who has a younger sister in the 4th grade. That's right, 4th grade. Me thinks one evening when this girl was out on a date with her boyfriend, her parents gor bored, and then got lucky. Thereby accounting for a second child some 16 years after their first.

So anyway, she was telling me how her kid sister came home one day from school, her cherubic face totally tear-streaked. When asked as to what had happened, she whimpered that a boy in class had called her "sexy"!!

This completly hilarious incident (for us, not the little girl) got me to thinking about my many first loves, and subsequent disasters.

Incidently, I recall that my first encounter in recognizing boys as boys, was in the 4th grade myself, when a classmate had called me sexy. So great was my humiliation, that I had run to the class teacher and peeped on the poor sod. He was duly given a slap, and I had cried my eyes out. Ofcourse, I was also a popular rakhi sister at the time, so my "brothers" decided to take revenge on the footbal field with my romeo. No, no, don't get concerned. It was nothing major. They just made it a point not to choose him in either of the football teams. Reeling with rejection, when the young romeo was making his way back home, I caught up with him. Newly trained in Taekwondo, and brimming with anger at my humiliation(!!), I got the poor boy in his family jewels. Hey, don't blame me. I was young and the rules of self-defence were just getting in the way. Soon after my family moved cities, but I often wonder about that guy. Can you imagine his girlfriend's plight. He's probably scarred from ever calling her sexy!

And that's not the only life I've ever ruined. There's more. So much more. Interested?

Monday, July 04, 2005

War of Taste

I've had an extremely irritating weekend, and now a horrid blue Monday.

On Friday night, the boyfriend and I made the blunder of fighting against all odds to secure two tickets to War of the Worlds. I thought, that's it. This weekend is sooo made now. Curses curses!! Little did I know. I can imagine those of you who suffered the same cinematic horrors as me, smirking away..thinking how great it is that you weren't the only ones who got killed. Humans can be so sadistic...Well, I've decided to break away this garb of selfishness. I consider it my duty to warn you. DO NOT GO TO SEE WAR OF THE WORLDS. Not unless you enjoy seeing tripodial aliens suck blood out of humans and then squirt it in vein line format all over the earth. Then to top it all, Tom Cruise runs out picking veins of human blood which cover the entire planet apparently, looking like his last face lift didn't quite do the trick, and I swear, the man has just two emotions (confused Tom, laughing Tom). I was hoping for a nice quiet dinner after the movie. But I must tell you, that it's Tuesday early morning now, and I'm yet to eat a thing. I also have been feeling very quesy, and sick in the morning, and the very smell of food makes me want to throw up. Luckily enough, I haven't suffered my monthly horrors this month...Hmmm...I wonder if that's anything to worry about.

That was the weekend. Lets see what pissed me today - SHARING A QUALIS OFFICE CAB WITH A BUNCH OF SICK PEOPLE THAT'S WHAT!! Man, I get picked up at like 6:30 AM...which as it is, is such a god-forsaken hour. And then this shrill-voiced (kind of like nails being dragged across a blackbord) woman who smells really bad, will tell the driver, "Bhaiya FM hai kya". At 6 fucking 30 in the morning...She wants FM. And you know what plays at that hour...fucking nonsense!! Loud Govinda type numbers. Just when I think I can be tortured no longer, she asks him to raise the volume and starts singing along. At 6 fucking 30 in the morning!! Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

I thought I'd end my day with some retain therapy to calm my frazzled nerves...Went to Shoppers Stop, and guess what - I didn't buy a single thing. I just didn't like anything. Some days just do not go your way.

Let's hope tomorrow is better.

Hey, I thought we'd run a contest. Let's all share about the worst Monday we've ever had. Oh c'mon. I'm sure we're all whiners here. I can't wait to read about Mondays worse than mine.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Just a debate

Thanks for the great feedback guys. I just wanted to start to a debate, or better yet, just put my thoughts out there. Was depressed coz we heard about 2 different instances of distant family friends whose teenage children killed themselves.

Sumandatta - Hey dude. Read the other blog you were mentioning. Looks like all the young women have just one thing on their mind these days... ;-) and you should circulate your CV. I'll recommend you to only to "nice, gori, homely" girls just coz of your nice compliments

snm - The marketer in me coulddn't resist asking Sidin and his fam club from checking out my blog. I see you've followed suit and advertised in my space. No probs dude. Totally worth reading your material.

Hitanshu - I was at GP Barista again this weekend. Were you?

Chirayu - Well, lets just hope our choices aren't as limited.

Silverline - Yo, another one of us. Where do you work???

Gawd, its Monday tomorrow. I'm sooo not ready to get to work...


Friday, July 01, 2005

Suicide Note

Reasons why I should kill myself -

1. I'm fat
2. My contract with a major MNC as a consultant just expired
3. It is extremely hot and sweaty
4. My television isn't working too well, and I can't get Star World, HBO or Zee Cafe - the staples of my life
5. My relationship with my dad sucks
6. I'm short
7. My boyfriend is going to study in the US leaving me behind
8. Shekhar Suman is the highest paid TV artist, and I think he sucks
9. I may need to take medications to retain my fertility
10. I don't have answers to why humanity exists and what the purpose of life is

Reasons why I won't -

1. There's so much more of me to love. I just have to be confident about myself
2. They extended my contract the next day, and want to confirm me now. I just had to be patient
3. It's raining right now. I just need to remain optimistic
4. I read a very funny book called Skinny Dip by Carl Hiassen. Didn't miss TV. I just had to exercise my options
5. I'll make sure that when I have kids, I don't make the same mistakes. I'll make newer ones! I just had to learn the lesson
6. I can lie down and sleep comfortably in 2-seater buses, and cabs. I look cherubic and young. I just have to look at what works for me
7. He wants me to join him. I just have to make him ask me :-) and pursue what I want
8. I changed the channel when he came on. And I also started reading Strip Tease by Carl Hiassen. I just had to look for other avenues
9. I realized my body's needs early, so I may still have my 4 babies. I just need to take better care of myself
10. After a couple of Long Island Ice Teas, I can tell you why life exists on Pluto. I just need to have a sense of humor

I know. Very different from what I've been writing. But I needed to say this.

Issued in the memory of thousands of young people who kill themselves each day, without realizing what life has to offer, and what they can offer to it. There's always a choice.