Monday, February 27, 2006


Owing to my last post, a lot of my friends/readers thought that perhaps I was one of 'em bra-burning feminists, who hate men, and everything they stand for (or everything that stands for them). That is hardly close to the truth because I quite like men. Infact I like them better than a lot things like bird flu, rodent plague etc...

I've been challenged to write atleast 10 things I like about men (without invoking the license to dream), without drinking, and without repeating myself. Ha I say to the challenge. Here goes:

1. I truly like the way men love little boys (NO, I do not mean like MJ). I just admire how they try to teach little boys tricks like how to turn cartwheels, how to hold a cricket bat, how to deal with rejection from girls...Its actually quite endearing.

2. I admire how men will not try and analyze every action, word, and gesture to death. If a woman shrugs her shoulder when the man says "So baby waddya think of em jeans eh?" the man will think "Oh great..Woo hoo..she wants me!!" Imagine what would happen if the sexes in this situation were reversed. Since I don't want to repeat myself, you can read the results here. Bottomline, men are definitely less stressed out than women and enjoy life more than we do. Why they die more of heart disease than women is a multi-million dollar research industry. Perhaps all those years of not telling us whether the turquoise silk looks better or the mauve chiffon finally catch up with them?

3. That men make better bosses is a world famous phenomenon. Most male bosses tend to be more sympathetic and understanding. Yes, they do tend to stare at Thelma and Louise, but then its either that or the hell bitch who will not let you take the day off that time of the month. I don't like dissing women bosses coz I have had some great ones, but somehow opposite sex boss-subordinate relationships work better. Don't ask me why. That would be probably be another blog.

4. Men are adorable when they are shy and in love. Try remembering how your guy pal's kid brother behaved moonily when he had a crush on you. How about that geek in school, who looked up from his Organic Chemistry book only long enough to spot you? Sure back then you laughed, but now he is probably an IIM graduate, working some high-flying job, and loves his wife and 3 kids. Guess who is having the last laugh?

5. Men go to puddles when we cry. It doesn't matter if we are sisters, friends, "rakhi sisters", mothers, whatever. Good men cannot stand to see us cry. They tend to do irrational things to get us to stop. This includes making a fool of themselves, or going and hitting the people who made us cry in the first place. Barring all this, nothing consoles a case of the weepies better than a pair of good guy arms. No point even trying to deny this. I know I know it seems like this is ammunination I'm handing over to the male bastion, but don't worry, I still have a couple of tricks up my sleeve.

6. Men are forever confused by women and we can get away with anything. Says cramps, menstruation...and see them run for cover. But my personal favourite is how they are so sure they think of you as a "rakhi sister" till 8th grade. However as soon as 9th grade comes (for some late bloomers 10th grade), its like a little bomb goes off and they realize their feelings are anything but brotherly. This is also the stage when they will start carrying your fat books and help you out with dissections in Biology.

7. Men have the most convinient neck space. No massage chair can come even close. God was very intelligent when he made that space between their chin/jaw and shoulder just so a girl's head could fit in there. This is especially useful when you are watching the Matrix for the nth time. Also useful after that last fight you had with mom over your curfew time.

8. Men smell good. No not all. But mostly they do. That familiar fragrance of Old Spice, and even the new age Ax Effect, do strange and wonderful things to our hormones.

9. Men will never remember that 4 years ago, when his mami's cousin sister gave you a saree, you didn't appear thankful enough. The off side to this is that they will forget the anniversary when you held hands for the first time. Men have the task of remembering some 5000 dates that commemorate your relationship. They will forget 4999 of these dates, but will go all out to make it up to you. This includes wine, candle lit dinners, diamonds, and other unspeakable joys.

10. It isn't exactly heart-melting when they check out other women infront of us, but when we catch them red-handed at it and call them out, that sheepish smile makes our stern expression so tough to maintain. Once again, they will go all out to make it up to you.

11. The way men look just after they wake up is another heart-melting moment. Hair typically resembles a gollywog, and their not so sunny termperament makes them so cuddlable.

OK...I was told 10, and I came up with 11. The extra one to let everyone know just how much I don't hate men. Convinced?

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

The World Through Bad-Alcohol-Tinted Glasses

Warning: Do not ever ever consume a cocktail called Regent Punch at Days of the Raj. You're safer drinking recycled sewer water. The result is a bad headache and this post. I wrote it, but didn't post it because I wanted to read what it would be like once I was sober...In any case, I'm posting it here without any changes because I thought it made interesting "rambling" reading, and I figured these must be things that are really bothering me.

*This post was written under the influence of some very bad alcohol. Reader discretion is advised. Any resemblance to individuals living or dead is likely to be true since drunks cannot lie. Any disputes arising from this post are to be raised in my toilet where they will be flushed down like soiled toilet paper.

1. Why does Saddam Hussain get suits stiched by some designer dude in Turkey. I mean what the fuck... you kill like a few million people and live like a king...and at the end of your life, you go around wearing designer suits and complain that you aren't being treated well in jail. If Bush could go around bombing lil kids accidently, why the hell couldn't they just shoot Saddam accidently too??

2. What is it with ex boyfriends? I mean, they talk about wanting to move on and being friends and talking about everything. But when the girl starts dating, they get all "aww....but i can't sleep...but i can't eat...waahhh.." Basically traslated that means " a a loser...waahhh.." Am I cold hearted bitch? Hell ya!! Especially when I find out someone I trusted stabbed me in the back and had cheated on me. Dude, you deserve everything you're getting right now and are about to get!

3. Why can men and women not stand each other?? I mean, I've met so many who have the same complain. Men marry expecting their women will not change but they do. And women marry expecting that their men will change but they don't. Since this is a common saying, I know its been around since Adam, so why the hell can't men look for women expecting change, and women look for men, who they don't feel like changing?

4. Why do men always say that women think so much? Would you prefer if the world was full of blondes whose idea of thinking was just deciding whether to wear the pink thong or the green one? Actually, don't answer that...No point.

5. Why do women get so confused with what they want from a guy? We all know that the perfect guy does not exist. Yet we have laundry lists of what we want from a guy...Yes he should be loving and kind... I mean c'mon...I didn't exactly expect any female to want an alcoholic wife beating shit head! So isnt it easier to just list the qualities you can live without? And please note, I said qualities.

6. Why do men want virgins only? And this is a phenomenon that apparently exists all over the world. My girlfriends in the US keep telling me that guys there are crazy about Indian girls. They feel Indian chicks are more moral (read virgins). At the same time, all guys want one thing grandmother told me so. Men want great girls who they can have sex with, without having to marry (some guys are willing and even keen to have sex even with not-so-great girls, but I won't count them in here). And men want great girls to marry as well. So if all the great girls have sex with the guys, then where are all the virgins left for marriage?? Math was never my strong suit, having scored 19/100 in class 11th, but this equation certainly boggles the mind. And why would any self-respecting female admit to being a virgin/non-virgin anyway? I mean, you're damned if you're a 24 year old virgin, but you're damned worse if you're a 24 year old non-virgin.

7. Why does my best friend, a guy, have softer, straighter hair than I do? He fucking even has longer eye lashes. Where is the justice in that?

8. When a girl I know has to register for a famous matrimonial site buckling under family pressure (and this is a phenomenon solely for girls), why is it that all the weirdos approach only her. Is it some sort of a special query run on the database? Or is it like one weird homing signal that this unnamed girl has buried under her skin?

9. When you decide that you would like to work in the international market, and figure that with your credentials, they would be happy to have you, you find out its one fucking chicken and egg story. And we all know what happens to the chickens and eggs. I mean they will give you a job if you have a work permit, but you can get a work permit only if you have a job. My condolences to Laxmi Mittal.

10. Why do most lists have 10 points...what is that all about? In my current mood, I think I will be different. 9 points is all!

Thank you blogger for spell check.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Twenty Point Someone?

Hey people,

Lalit had tried to leave a post on the Comments section of my previous post! Unfortunately, Blogger wasn't too impressed and removed the comment on my behalf, but without my consent!! No problemo...

What Lalit posted sruck a cord in me. I'm sure by now it's a well travelled forward, but just incase it isn't, I'm pasting it here for everyone to read.

"Being Twenty-Something"

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. Send this to your twenty something friends.... maybe it will help someone feel like they aren't alone in their state of confusion.....


Thanks Lalit!

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Compliments of a Dangerous Mind

I was sitting with a group of friends today and we discussing the kind of compliments we get from time to time. Conversation started as such, when someone dropped by and "complimented" yours truly by saying "Nice hair. It makes you look thinner."

Umm....Thanks?? I guess...

It got the rest of us talking on some of the more strange compliments we receive. And ofcourse the compliments that men bestow upon us especially when they don't know better!

My eccentric brit accented neighbour is one of those men who are scared of women, and what we may ask of him! He's a bit of an ascetic too. Often the women in my team will walk upto him and ask him to comment on their mehendi, clothes, nail paint and the lot. Not to be left behind, I went to him one morning, quite happy with myself for having used a new glittery eye shadow, and asked him what he thought of it. He carefully looked at my eyelids and then remarked, "I was wondering earlier if it was sand on your eyes."

And she huffed and she puffed and she blew away his entire stock pile of fake medical bills...

Many have heard the urban legend of the man who took a moment too long before answering his wife/girlfriend when she asked lovingly, "Darling, do these pants make me look fat?" Legend has it that all men who commit this blunder never reach heaven, or for that matter, hell. They all languish somewhere between the mortal and immortal worlds. They get no beer and no sex. Oh and no chocolates or cricket either.

Among the other strange compliments I have received, I was once told I look like Shahrukh Khan. I truly didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I assure everyone that I look nothing like the Bollywood actor.

Now tell me this wonderful people - if a guy is driving a girl home, and drives at the speed of 10 miles an hour on a road that can take about 60 miles an hour - is that a compliment or an insult? And if he continues to talk to her even after reaching her house...till she reaches the door...and switces off the porch lights?