Sunday, June 19, 2005

The Great Indian Arranged Matrimony

Last weekend, I was seized by the desire to grab a pizza, so the boyfriend and I hit Pizza Hut on Saturday night. I was curious about the whole" Freshiza" ad campaign that Pizza Hut is running, and how apparently the dough for these pizzas is made every morning. Bad marketing idea. Coz I was very tempted to ask the host if that meant all other non-Freshizia pizzas are stale...

Anyway, at some point of time, a family came and sat next to us. One veeerrrryyyy huge Punju aunty, with her hubby. One somewhat thinner and very worried looking aunty with her hubby.

Fat Punju aunty: I really can't climb the stairs coz it hurts my back
Worried aunty: Yes, yes, (nodding and bobbing her head nervously)

Surprisingly, Fat aunty was quite agile for her girth, and managed to settle in her seat easily. Worried aunty rubbed her bum against the protuding handle of our pan more than once. That was till boyfriend got all irritated and worried about losing the last 2 slices of pizza and moved it to the other side of our table. I thought maybe they were out on a double date. But then they were joined by 2 younger men (Fat guy, Thin Guy), and a young lady (smiling shyly, playing with edge of dupatta)....

Aaaaahhhh!! that's when it dawned on us, that this outing was not a mere "hog punjtalian food" session. It was the Great Indian Arranged Matrimony at the very first stages.

The girl was smiling demurely at both men. I wasn't sure if she was supposed to do that coz it got very confusing for me. I mean, was it that she could choose, that she was keeping her options open, or was it like a buy one get one free situation.

Their weird stilted convo continued till half an hour. We got dirty looks when we laughed and held hands (aaj kal ke ashleen bacchhe). But we decided to stick on and see how it ends. By then we had figured out the players also. Worried aunty must be ladki-ki-maa...but these days, you never know.

Within half an hour, the once-demure princess was looking bored through her skull. Fat guy was trying to pick a piece of olive or tomato, or some half-masecated food item from between his teeth. And thin guy was just too busy talking about himself! What a disaster. I laughed and thanked my stars that I would never go through that. Atleast I hope I don't.

I can remember other such boy meet girl disasters. Once in my family, boy came to see girl, and instead liked her cousin. After that incident, all girl cousins (we're 12 of us) have been banned from making an appearance when one of the girls is being showcased. If the guy regrets later, its too late, and that gives his wife (the sister) emotional blackmail advantage over him for eternity.

We used to have a Bong landlord. And when a guy came to see their daughter, his parents wanted to see her feet (yes yes...i tell the truth). They also wanted to examine her calves and her hair...I dunno why, but it felt like she was a prize-winning heifer they were planning on purchasing for the mating season. Apparently this is traditional bong behaviour.

I can just see myself carrying a tray to a drawing room. I'd probably trip over my saree. If the guy's useless, I'd probably burp, and fart. And if he's hot, I'd probably, wink, and bite my lower lip enticingly. And that ladies and gentlemen should send them packing away for good!

By the way, thanks for the awesome feedback. Its not just fun and encouraging, I am also learning a lot (butch gays et al)

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

What Men Want

Did you go see "What Women Want" with a gaggle of friends?

I know men went because they thought the movie would finally answer the age-old question that Freud took to his death-bed.

I know there must've been women who went to see it, hoping they could figure out what they themselves wanted. Hey, don't shoot me. I come in the second category myself !!

But I realize now that I need to watch a movie called "What Men Want". Why you ask?

Well, a few weeks ago, I complimented my best guy friend from school. I called him "sweet and nice". I can already see a few men nodding their heads sadly, and tsking away at my sheer ignorance. Well, I'm sorry! How was I supposed to know the rules had changed. My friend was so offended, I almost bought him a day at the spa to make it up to him.

He said he'd rather be considered dangerous, a menace to society or wateva (but he still wants to get this manicures and facials). He thinks the whole "rebel without a pause" image is more sexy to women that the nice guy image (which according to him translates to sissy boy). He was even more upset when my Mom (and also my boyfriend) were happy to see me go away on a weekend with him, ALONE. They said he was "safe". When I told him this , he got even more upset. I asked him, "Would you prefer if they thought you would seduce me?" He puffed away in irritation, and said "You wouldn't understand"!!

Me no understand. Me get even more confused when the next day at office, I was trying to debate the virtues of hair straightening against re-bonding with some female colleagues, and my macho boss walked over. I really thought, this time we've had it. And he said, "You girls are really ignorant..." He then went onto explain the subtle differences between straightening and re-bonding and listed their pros and cons like an expert!

Talk about a role reversal. Will someone be nice (I'm sorry, dangeours) enough to explain this dichotomy to me? I promise. In return I will spread rumors that you are a rake, with a devil may care attitude. You get your manicures and pedicures, so you're hygenic, but you do them roughly, with a glint in your eye, and a raw stubble on your manly, sexy exfoliated jaw.

Friday, June 03, 2005

Sultans of Swing

I got the following feedback for my last blodg...

"Amit Pandey said...
Someting to do with evolution - testosterone mixup. But then it is better to be looked over than overlooked !!! ( Just Kiddin')Hope you aren't too uncomfortable with the stares. The best way would be to stare back...and hard. Unnerving a guy is the best bet. "

Ok Amit, you're right. Its pay back time baby. From now on, I'm going to hold conversations at office with my boss's, my boss's boss's, and my boss's boss's boss's lil monkey, junior, sultan of swing, whateva....take your pick. I'm gonna stare right there, and talk.

Like you said, its better to be looked over, than to be overlooked.

Just one problem...what if they start liking it?