Sunday, December 11, 2005

Will you marry me?

When I was a little girl with stars in my eyes and dreams of the perfect prince and fairytale life (well, at 15 who doesn't), I could never have anticipated the realities of adult life and its attendant miseries. One of those being getting married.

I turn 24 later this month, and my extended family has left no stones un-turned to remind me that now is the time to "put myself in the market". Suddenly I've become a perishable item (like milk perhaps) because I've been told that I have a "shelf-life"! When did I make the journey from being a fresh-faced collegiate to curdled milk?

As a result of all these persuasions, I've started glancing at some of the matrimonials that appear on Sunday, and those that appear online on popular matrimonial and dating sites. I thought I'd share a small selection with you, and ask that you vote on your favorite entry.

1. MBA Topmost US Business School, MS, B.Tech (IIT), New York Investment Banker, Six figures, US Citizen...Brahmin, visiting Dec, younger looking 47 (WOW. where did he discover the fountain of youth. Just as I'm beginning to wonder how we let such a perfect specimen leave our shores undetected, I realize there's more.)

Good personality...caring, wide intellectual, artistic, spiritual interests (I guess than means he doesn't see porn ever), innocent divorcee (Awwwwww...poor baby), brief visa marriage (Spiritual, innocent eh??), no issues (Maybe he's shooting blanks?), traditional values (Which probably explain why he agreed to a visa marriage), open to living in India (He just got pink-slipped, and hopes your industrialist daddy can gift him a couple of factories)

2. Attractive male. 35. Single (Really?? I was wondering why you were here), seeking (1) Female (Thanks for clearing that up) (2) Between 23 and 24 (3) Weight between 51 and 52 kgs (4) Height between 5 ft and 5.2 ft (5) very fair(6) Education: Only JMC passout with B.Com(H) (WOW, talk about specifics.)

Guy is open minded (Yes, thats quite obvious with his requirements isnt it??). Only girl should convince boy (So you're saying the girl should serenade him?? Court him?? What??). Boy can run really fast (HUH???!!!???)

And if you thought it was just men who could put out the odd one (excuse the pun), here are some ladies for you:

3. General: i am 24; female; engineer from india; good loking; very intelligent and caring; my colour is fair. i make good foods (Maa ke haath ke khane ka swaad)

Looking for: i don't like people - who r flirts. such timepassers r full time waste (Did that rhyme?). i hate useless; who r crowd (I think the dear girl meant coward, but whatever right). if good people r on earth; they wil come on net (Honey, whats a girl like you doing in a place like this); if bad thn so.....(She's philosophical who is snapping this one up??) As a man he shld take care of his upcoming life n make sure that none interferes in his own personal decisions (She's going to make sure any interfering saas, nanand types are taken care of if you know what I mean ;-)) In short a man who is bold n not old (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA).

4. Looking for: shld laugh easily and make me laugh 2. not too many hang ups - or shld keep them to himself. shld be ready to do crazy stuff at a moments notice. doesnt need to be adonis, jude the obscure can stay away though. smoke, dope,drink-expect the same 2. walk,talk, sing, bla bla together....point is looking for a partner. we can pretend that youre the boss though! (BALL BUSTER)

5. General: i'm a fun loving girl lookin for a partner to have fun with....if u know what i mean...i really like to party and enjoy fast goin people who wudnt mind one night stands and r not so stuck up on their emotions (eh em...sommin tells me that some of the boys reading this will be leaving comments asking for more details on this lady)

Appearance: i like wearin revealing clothes i have the perfect body for it..i think my eyes and my sex appeal r my assets

I forwarded this last profile to my scheming matchmaking maternal uncle to give him an idea of the kind of amazing competition I would have out there. He said not to worry and that he would search out more such entries on the sites and send mails to the site administrators. Ever since then he has actually stopped trying to convince my mom about the need to marry me off. Instead we find him forever glued to his monitor with a stupid grin on his face.

What can I say people. She shoots, she scores!

Thursday, December 01, 2005


Its been a long hiatus hasn't it. I've missed the whole writing my heart out experience.

Here's the highlights -

1. It was mum's b'day last Saturday. I bought her an LG B2100 mobile phone. Now I'm a die-hard Nokia girl, but this was the cheapest camera phone available @ 6000 bucks. Good to get mum started on. She's quite fond of playing around on her cell and I figured it was about time she moved onto a new toy. Ofcourse its a different matter altogether that I've been messing with this mobile more than she has. The cell isn't a patch on a Nokia, but LG has this neat website from where you can download cool stuff, and transfer data between mobile and PC without using bluetooth etc. I'm scared of the bluetooth dongle. Don't ask me why.

2. We had an office party on Tuesday night. I can't for the life of me figure out why it was organized on a Tuesday night. Perhaps they think that folks will drink lesser in mid-week parties, so organizing one in such a manner would save money. I wonder what's next - washable toilet paper maybe? A bunch of the senior management types decided that they would put up a dance show for us lesser mortals. Its bad enough that we wonder what work they do on a daily basis, but seeing them put up a well-coordinated show confirms my long-held suspicions about their utilization at work. One lady infact took things a little too far by wearing very few clothes, and dancing in a skirt on stage, exposing her lacy whites for the world to see. A colleague commented quite snidely today that our lady of the lacy whites has been "climbing the corporate ladder lad-by-lad."

3. I was supposed to give the boss some utilization data. Like all good quality- certified companies, mine also requires us to enter time data in a system on a daily basis under the appropriate buckets. At the end of the week, they do some complex mathematical analysis to figure out exactly how over or under utilized the workers are (if you're a blue-eyed baby, you're over-utilized, and if you're loved as much as a genital wart, then you're obviously under-utilized). I am quite a stickler (or OCD as my boss says) for entering data in the correct buckets. Last week, I hit a near orgasmic high when I realized that all my data was entered and accounted for in the neatest possible fashion. The sad realization that I'm truly single hit me at that exact moment.

4. There's a nice fellow who sits next to me and my snot boy neighbour these days. Me and brit accented old neighbour were chatting new guy up, when new guy casually mentions that he's been scuba diving for about 6 years. Ever so often, when he has friends down from Europe, he takes them to the reefs in Andaman. Immediately afterwards, new guy said he was hungry. Seeing as how he's somewhat cute, if already taken, I offered him an apple. He politely accepted and told me that this entire month he's on a fruit only diet. He also casually mentioned his last career as journo, and how he's an art dealer. Last week, new guy was attacked by some thugs at night. Instead of running away, he actually fought them, and came to work the next day with scars all over. Man, talk about belonging to another planet. New guy also apparently has a fiancee he dotes on. I once overhear him saying that he didn't care what his mom thought, but he loved his woman the way she was. The chances of a guy saying that are about 1 in 1,0000000000 as a friend at work put it. I know I should feel hope that men like that are around, but I just felt a bit inadequate. Gimme a guy who drinks beer, watches cricket, and is confused by women any day.

Since the last 2 weeks were spent on a bit of a roller coaster ride, I thought I'd compile a short list as I went along -

Things/People I Love -

1. Approachable bosses
2. Confident women at work
3. The auto wallah who actually agrees to go by a non-tampered meter
4. The one finance guy who actually helps you out
5. Friends who let you get drunk and vent without passing judgment
6. Mums who say "I think you know how to use this phone better than me, so why don't you take it"
7. Retired uncles and aunts who insist on scanning the matrimonials and actually make you laugh by reading out the funniest adverts. There was one that said "girl with defect preferred"
8. Folks who leave behind comments on blogs
9. Payroll
10. The sales person at the cash counter who says "Madam, this trouser is accidently marked at 1500, but its actually on sale for 1000"

Things/People I Hate -

1. People who sit really close to you at trainings, and try to chat you up.
2. When you refuse to respond, the same people will force burp throughout the meeting
3. People who chew their food with their mouths open.
4. Men who douse themselves in cologne so much so that they merely have to walk by and I have a sneezing fit.
5. Women at work who are on the phone constantly discussing everything but work. This includes discussions about satin petticoats and the color of their kids' potty.
6. Rude cab drivers.
7. The guy who insists on serving chapatis at lunch, wears a plastic glove, but scratches his balls anyway.
8. Project managers who first assign you to Project A, then change their minds and give you Project B, then again throw you to Project A, and then again to Project B.
9. HR
10. The sales person at the store who insists "Madam, yeh apka size nahi hai"