Performance Anxiety

No bride-to-be worth her weight in salt, and that is a LOT of salt for this bride to be - its all the water retention you know, ok veering off topic...let me start again.

No bride-to-be worth her weight in salt, will ever confess, that secretly she doesn't want the wedding. Oh no, its not that she doesn't want the marriage, although in some cases that may be it, but its just the whole wedding hoopla.

Ever since Sooraj Barjatya inflicted that Hum Aapke Hain Kaun flick on us, he's set up umpteen Indian families for failure. Everyone expects multiple functions, a perfect family that stands in one line, dancing with an ever smiling papaji, mamaji, buaji etc. They also expect fluffy dogs that can play cricket, and sensing family tensions, can convey messages between unwilling-to-wed jeejas and saalis...The only fluffy dog in my family is psychotic and likes to bite everyone. He even pees in the house at night when everyone is asleep.

The pressure I tell you is immense.

Mr.Barjatya has made it so that all families are expected to turn in dance performances at their weddings. Somehow, the bride's younger sisters are always roped in for this task. My younger sisters have far to much self-respect to do that. And yet, societal pressure has had numerous family friend "uncles" asking them what song they are performing to. I had to hold them back when they almost named songs like "Tu Cheez..." and "Samundar mein naaha kar..." To say that would have incited a couple of heart attacks is an understatement.

I also have a set of uncles, none of whom are anything like Alok Nath, smiling beningly at one and all. No siree. Mine are more like Prem Chopra. They love their whisky and can drink an Irishman under the table. They cuss enough to put the Haryanvi guys who drive my office cabs to shame. They abuse each others mothers and sisters, even though they may be married to each others mothers and sisters. The women look fondly, and in some cases, not-so-fondly on.

I feel like I'll be walking this tightrope at the wedding with Alcohol-Hating-Seriously-Religious-Mother-In-Law at one end, and Alcohol-Loving-Ciggie-Smoking-Cussing-Uncles at the other.

Then there are my aunts. Every single one has a unique neurosis. One aunt loves looking at prospective boys for her girls, and then promptly rejecting them. She's gone through more boys for her girls than Liz Taylor has gone through face lifts. She once even rejected this great guy, who is now in and out of the Indian cricket team, and plays county cricket in London. My sister could have been giving Reed Thin Spice a run for her money. Instead she travels from Ghaziabad to Gurgaon, crossing 3 state lines twice a day. I know, marriage isn't a way out (it's usually just a way to turn yourself in). But still, where will you find the perfect man?? George Clooney is too happy with his pig you know. But what is really scary is that my aunt has now set her sights on my poor single brother-in-law. Don't even get me started on my other aunts. Thats a blog on its own.

Mr.Barjatya has also espoused the concept of the perfect bride. He obviously hasn't heard of the "Bridezilla" concept. His brides blush demurely at the first glimpse of Daddyji, Mummyji and ofcourse "Prem". Brides today are a tad different. They gripe in their blogs and bitch about relatives.

As if Sooraj Barjatya wasn't enough, we then had Laxmi Mittal, getting his daughter married at a goddamn Palace in Paris for God's sake! Then that Sahara Parivar dude took over all of Lucknow for his sons' weddings. He chartered all his guests to the venue in private jets. Last night, my uncle told me, we needn't book the Indian Railway sleeper coach for our guests, as everyone is making their own bookings. I even heaved a sigh of relief at that one! Yeah yea, so I'm cheap.

I know some of you may think that comparisons are odious. After all, I'm getting worried comparing my shing-a-ding to movie weddings and multi-millionaire baraats. But isn't this what happens to normal men and women when they start comparing themselves in bed with digitally enhanced porn stars? Maybe I should get Wiagara (Wedding + Viagara). Get it...haha...I'm funny at 11:27 in the PM.