(For those who've just tuned in, this is the second in a series of entries about highly unadvisable things to say around offices, and as you'll discover, other seemingly benign places like the neighbourhood vegetable vendor)
To start off, I bumped into a senior from college on Sunday evening in a yuppie market. She ended our brief conversation by saying, "It was great banging into you." "Gee thanks", I said. "Pleasures all mine", almost went through, but I stopped it in time, as I did the smirk on my face.
Monday evening at the neighbourhood veggie shop, where all the fruits and vegetables were set out, with prices prominently displayed, a woman walked up to the vendor and said, "Kela dikhao". Eh?
Among the other things I heard last week -
1. "Sir, I am holding it for you" - Benetton salesman to a friend about a couple of suits he had reserved for him ahead of a trip to the US.
2. My vendor again called me and said, "I am working on it at my end." I believe I should guide him to this blog.
3. Some one at Church actually said, "The ladies will be discarding clothing of all kind ahead of the fete." I have a strange feeling, he wanted to bang his head into the wall (pun totally unintended) when this statement would've replayed in his head.
4. My favourite pub introduced a new cocktail called "Harvey Ballbanger". Now, "Screaming Orgasm", "Sex on the Beach", "Cum Soon" I had gotten used to, but really "...Ballbanger". Now that's original.
5. Someone from Corporate Communications at work recently described a colleague as "All fart no shit". I'd never heard those words being used together in that way before.
6. Apart from that, the funniest stuff I've read was left behind by readers on the comments section of the last blog.
To cap the week, on Friday, we were told to get into the spirit of Diwali at office. You know, decorate your bays, dress in sarees, kurta pajaymas etc. Part of an urban phenomenon that got played across MNC offices all over Noida, Gurgaon and Delhi. So anyway, we had women turn up in pretty sarees. Lots of different blouses. Some deep down the front. Some deep down the back. Some deep at both locations. Yours truly played it safe in a suit. Wearing a saree, and travelling even in an office bus does not cut it for me. Either the saree would've reached, or I would've. Worst still, I could've had a Draupadi-like situation, with the bus door and the seat edges to blame. My team was totally not in the spirit of decorating our bays. The other folks however, were much more enthusiastic. They had floating candles, rangoli, streamers, and best of all, rows upon rows of marigold strings. So much so, it resembled more a suhagraat set, than a corporate stronghold.
Saturday evening, I caught Legend of Zorro. Antonio Banderas and Catherine Zeta Jones have about as much chemistry this time around as 2 asexual sponges at the bottom of the ocean. Anyway, the movie ended at about 6, and I headed back home, to get dressed again, and go out for a college gang get-together. Now, the last time I had caught up with everyone, there had been blasts at the movie halls, and we had all been at Priya. You can imagine my surprise when just as we were all about to step out of home, my boss called me up to inform me about the 3 blasts in Delhi. Needless to say, the plan was cancelled for the evening.
I feel horrid for everyone who lost family during the festival season. As for Delhi, I must say, this city has a capability to remain un-daunted by just about anything. I mean, the whole "monster in East Delhi" thing a few months back scared Delhities more than the bomb blasts did. While I admire this "get-up-dust-the-knees-live-again" attitude our city has, I still do wish we'd also exhibit some solidarity atleast with people of our own city. I mean, half an hour after the blasts, folks around where I live starting bursting crackers! Getting back to life, I get, this flagrant dis-regard I dont. NDTV has starting a campaign to light a diya at 8 PM tonight to express this solidarity. I have my light. I hope everyone else does too.
As for the terrorists who thought they'd get us to "shit bricks" as a colleague succintly puts it, "UP YOURS".
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Thursday, October 20, 2005
From the mouths of ...
I used to thoroughly enjoy the outake shots at the end of all Jackie Chan movies. You know, where they show him struggling to remember a dialogue, and then the whole crew laughs. Or like when he somersaults backwards from the 89th floor of a building, while escaping from iron chains, and then they show him crack his skull open, be taken to the hospital and all that.
Life has plenty of such bloopers. Here is an example of items heard around office.
During casual/official conversations that turn interesting or aggravating -
1. "Oh teri ben&#$&&^#%&#" (since I work in North India, this should require no translation)
2. "Or teri ma&#$&&^#%&#" (since I work in North India, this should require no translation)
(Notice, that men are never referred to, while mommies and didis most often are)
During lunch -
1. While eating vegetable kofta curry/vegetable munchurian:
a. "These balls are hard"
b. "These balls taste bad"
c. "These balls are raw"
d. "These balls are too big"
(Notice, how any sentence with the word "ball" in it begins to sound dirty. For instance, telling someone with a slow mouse to "Clean the ball yaar")
In formal e-mails -
1. To client: "I assure you that we will try and satisfy you with our full rage of services"; alternatively, "Its working at my end"
2. To vendor: "You need to improve things at your end"
(Notice again, that usage of the terms "my end" and "your end" may sound formal, but really aren't
Here are some of the winners from last week at my office -
1. To the functional manager during a presentation he was making - "So, how long is your thing?"
2. My client teasing me about my vertically-challenged frame (he's 6 feet 5 inces, i'm 5 feet, no inches) - "You'll fit right between my legs"
3. Male client to me while asking for help with a laptop bag - "will you unzip it for me"
4. Senior Manager to me - "Did you cum yesterday"; alternatively, "Are you cuming?"
And fnally, the GRAND PRIZE goes to -
Male colleague in cab, when 2 more women sitting at the back with us, finally left, giving us much needed leg space - "Now you can spread your legs"!!
Life has plenty of such bloopers. Here is an example of items heard around office.
During casual/official conversations that turn interesting or aggravating -
1. "Oh teri ben&#$&&^#%&#" (since I work in North India, this should require no translation)
2. "Or teri ma&#$&&^#%&#" (since I work in North India, this should require no translation)
(Notice, that men are never referred to, while mommies and didis most often are)
During lunch -
1. While eating vegetable kofta curry/vegetable munchurian:
a. "These balls are hard"
b. "These balls taste bad"
c. "These balls are raw"
d. "These balls are too big"
(Notice, how any sentence with the word "ball" in it begins to sound dirty. For instance, telling someone with a slow mouse to "Clean the ball yaar")
In formal e-mails -
1. To client: "I assure you that we will try and satisfy you with our full rage of services"; alternatively, "Its working at my end"
2. To vendor: "You need to improve things at your end"
(Notice again, that usage of the terms "my end" and "your end" may sound formal, but really aren't
Here are some of the winners from last week at my office -
1. To the functional manager during a presentation he was making - "So, how long is your thing?"
2. My client teasing me about my vertically-challenged frame (he's 6 feet 5 inces, i'm 5 feet, no inches) - "You'll fit right between my legs"
3. Male client to me while asking for help with a laptop bag - "will you unzip it for me"
4. Senior Manager to me - "Did you cum yesterday"; alternatively, "Are you cuming?"
And fnally, the GRAND PRIZE goes to -
Male colleague in cab, when 2 more women sitting at the back with us, finally left, giving us much needed leg space - "Now you can spread your legs"!!
Monday, October 17, 2005
Valium please
Not a good Monday by any standard. Went to work after a 5 day vacation with high-viral fever. Couldn't stay home coz no one would've believed me. I can't believe I am already waiting for Saturday.
Lots of good cheer for other folks in my office though. 2 consultants got absorbed into the company as full-time employees. Good for them.
And here is the root to my bad mood - a really nice girl at office got engaged to her boyfriend. They are a nice, sweet couple, and I'm really happy for her. It was so idiotic that whatever free time I got, all I could think about was what could have been and isn't. I know there's going to be the whole "grieving" period and all that, but c'mon...I think I'm even more pissed at myself for feeling this way.
Can someone gift me a vacation to Goa please? Or to Leh? Or get me a book-writing deal or something.
Lots of good cheer for other folks in my office though. 2 consultants got absorbed into the company as full-time employees. Good for them.
And here is the root to my bad mood - a really nice girl at office got engaged to her boyfriend. They are a nice, sweet couple, and I'm really happy for her. It was so idiotic that whatever free time I got, all I could think about was what could have been and isn't. I know there's going to be the whole "grieving" period and all that, but c'mon...I think I'm even more pissed at myself for feeling this way.
Can someone gift me a vacation to Goa please? Or to Leh? Or get me a book-writing deal or something.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Catching Up
Its been a lazy couple of weeks at work. This week, I've had to go in to work only for 2 days, and have been off all the others on account of the festive season. I love India.
The boss is holidaying in Goa. Since the cat is away, the mice have been having a ball of a time. The women have been chasing Navrathra food round-the-clock because they are fasting (the irony of that one never ceases to amaze me), and the men have pretended to bitch about it. All in all, a good time.
We moved to a new building and seats were re-arranged. I used to sit next to this brilliant colleague, whose only oddity was a penchant for talking to himself every now and then in a strange British accent. I considered it an eccentricity, but I must admit, it worried me some every now and then.
My new seat mate happens to be quite a bundle of oddities. He's a veritable quiz master and likes to question me about EVERYTHING. "Is your mouse working?" "Is the keyboard ok?" "Does the tray move?" Are you going for lunch?" "Are you using your headphones?" "Why have you colored our hair?" "Are you working?" He does this incessesantly the entire day till I go stark raving mad. Some days I wonder if he may just start questioning me about my morning bowel movements. Quite capable he is too. To top it all off, he loves digging his nose and making snot balls, which he proceeds to launch by flicking them off his fingers. He also likes to scratch his balls. Yesterday, he was explaining something to another colleague, and throughout the conversation, everytime he made a point, he pulled out one nostril hair. I saw 5 land on his table. After this, he casually saunters over to me, and puts his paws inside my cheeslings pack and eats some. Now I'm a nice girl, who likes to share, but there are limits. I felt no regret whatsoever throwing that packet straight into the bin. The very thought that some poor woman has to sleep with him makes me want to loose dinner. I miss the British accent.
I ended up at my favourite pub about 5 times in the last 10 days. The staff have grown accustomed to seeing me with now ex-bf for many years. They know my staple order of Bacardi Breezers, or LIITs and my habit of getting high with both pretty easily. I get princess treatment from them, and quite like the idea that I can go in and order my "regular" and get it too. However, I made the tactical error of going there this time with other male buddies. The hosts and manager kept doing double takes when they saw me with these different males - incidently a different one each time. I refused to go 2 days back, but ex-bf, now good friend, made me go to face my demons. It was not funny when the manager came and asked me if everything was ok. Have decided to find new favourite joint. Somehow the idea that I need to update the pub manager on my personal life makes me a tad uncomfortable.
I guess its all a bit like divorce. I got the restaurant, but he got the pub.
I've been having these mid-night girlie chats with a friend's fiancee. The woman has become like my spiritual guru. I love talking with her, but she has a very irritating habit of making me face home truths. She thinks my whole "we are good friends" policy is a load of bullshit. She has told me that I'm in denial. I've told her I'm not. Apparently saying that is one of the signs.
I caught Red Eye and Salaam Namaste. Former is good time, latter was so confusing in the second half, I didnt know which Hollywood reproduction I was watching.
My first boss's husband is in town these days. This was a couple I was extremely fond of. He was the first person to take me drinking, and both husband-wife were very protective of me. They were also loads of cheap fun. Sort of like your favourite naughty relatives. He's in the movie business, and dresses with quite a flair. Am thinking of taking him to the pub. Just what I need. To be caught drinking with a 40 yr old who loves to wear skeleton ear studs.
I bought an LG Flatron with surround sound today. Nothing like retail therapy. However, for some reason I cannot fathom, I asked the sales man if it came with a remote. I think a few conversations around me actually stopped. Now I know what "pregnant pause in a room" means.
Thanks to all the great messages folks have been leaving here, and the mails I've received. I am back to embarrasing myself on a regular basis, so I know life is moving on...
The boss is holidaying in Goa. Since the cat is away, the mice have been having a ball of a time. The women have been chasing Navrathra food round-the-clock because they are fasting (the irony of that one never ceases to amaze me), and the men have pretended to bitch about it. All in all, a good time.
We moved to a new building and seats were re-arranged. I used to sit next to this brilliant colleague, whose only oddity was a penchant for talking to himself every now and then in a strange British accent. I considered it an eccentricity, but I must admit, it worried me some every now and then.
My new seat mate happens to be quite a bundle of oddities. He's a veritable quiz master and likes to question me about EVERYTHING. "Is your mouse working?" "Is the keyboard ok?" "Does the tray move?" Are you going for lunch?" "Are you using your headphones?" "Why have you colored our hair?" "Are you working?" He does this incessesantly the entire day till I go stark raving mad. Some days I wonder if he may just start questioning me about my morning bowel movements. Quite capable he is too. To top it all off, he loves digging his nose and making snot balls, which he proceeds to launch by flicking them off his fingers. He also likes to scratch his balls. Yesterday, he was explaining something to another colleague, and throughout the conversation, everytime he made a point, he pulled out one nostril hair. I saw 5 land on his table. After this, he casually saunters over to me, and puts his paws inside my cheeslings pack and eats some. Now I'm a nice girl, who likes to share, but there are limits. I felt no regret whatsoever throwing that packet straight into the bin. The very thought that some poor woman has to sleep with him makes me want to loose dinner. I miss the British accent.
I ended up at my favourite pub about 5 times in the last 10 days. The staff have grown accustomed to seeing me with now ex-bf for many years. They know my staple order of Bacardi Breezers, or LIITs and my habit of getting high with both pretty easily. I get princess treatment from them, and quite like the idea that I can go in and order my "regular" and get it too. However, I made the tactical error of going there this time with other male buddies. The hosts and manager kept doing double takes when they saw me with these different males - incidently a different one each time. I refused to go 2 days back, but ex-bf, now good friend, made me go to face my demons. It was not funny when the manager came and asked me if everything was ok. Have decided to find new favourite joint. Somehow the idea that I need to update the pub manager on my personal life makes me a tad uncomfortable.
I guess its all a bit like divorce. I got the restaurant, but he got the pub.
I've been having these mid-night girlie chats with a friend's fiancee. The woman has become like my spiritual guru. I love talking with her, but she has a very irritating habit of making me face home truths. She thinks my whole "we are good friends" policy is a load of bullshit. She has told me that I'm in denial. I've told her I'm not. Apparently saying that is one of the signs.
I caught Red Eye and Salaam Namaste. Former is good time, latter was so confusing in the second half, I didnt know which Hollywood reproduction I was watching.
My first boss's husband is in town these days. This was a couple I was extremely fond of. He was the first person to take me drinking, and both husband-wife were very protective of me. They were also loads of cheap fun. Sort of like your favourite naughty relatives. He's in the movie business, and dresses with quite a flair. Am thinking of taking him to the pub. Just what I need. To be caught drinking with a 40 yr old who loves to wear skeleton ear studs.
I bought an LG Flatron with surround sound today. Nothing like retail therapy. However, for some reason I cannot fathom, I asked the sales man if it came with a remote. I think a few conversations around me actually stopped. Now I know what "pregnant pause in a room" means.
Thanks to all the great messages folks have been leaving here, and the mails I've received. I am back to embarrasing myself on a regular basis, so I know life is moving on...
Friday, October 07, 2005
Winds of Change
Since its time for a change all around, I thought I'd give the blog a new look. So what do you guys think?
I must say, its been gratifying to see the comments on my previous blog. Believe me, my ego feels nice and pampered. So please keep fighting over me, and leaving numbers :-))
I must say, its been gratifying to see the comments on my previous blog. Believe me, my ego feels nice and pampered. So please keep fighting over me, and leaving numbers :-))
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