A few weeks back during a meeting with my big boss, I told him how I wanted onsite opportunities and direct interaction with clients. See, all I wanted was a free ticket to the US to sightsee...I thought I had made myself crystal clear. Apparently not.
Last week, I was caught hold of and told I had to go onsite...to Hyderabad.
As with all MNCs I was told a day before about my trip and the remaining time was spent trying to get approvals for payments and tickets from just about everyone from the janitor to the CEO. I made the strategic error of booking Air Sahara tickets. Both times, my 2-hour flight was delayed by 3 hours. You know, I honestly think that all those rumors about Subroto Roy having HIV and dying were spead by the honcho of the airline division to deviate attention from the perpetually late flights.
Not to mention the age of the Sahara planes. The one I went in, had the following message printed infront of my seat: "Incase of submersion, use lower cushion as floatation device." What The Fuck...you mean to say that if the stupid plane were to land in deep water, I would survive by hanging on to a tatty cushion?? Well, perhaps the absorbed gases of the previous passengers (they are not to blame, the day-old food served in-flight is) will keep me afloat!
The really fun part were the 4 brats who were sitting next to me. I had tele-checked in like a seasoned traveler, and had got a window seat. The 4 brats kept whining to their mom about why "aunty" wouldn't let them sit at the window. "Aunty"?? Bloody hell. I even stuck my tongue out at them when their mom wasn't watching.
Anyway, so in Hyderabad, once I reconciled myself to the fate of a domestic "onsite" of 3 days, I figured I could still enjoy the city in the evening, visit Char Minar, have some fantastic biryani, and buy myself some pearls. But did I manage to do that? Well, lets see, between getting my laptop to work, getting cabs and commuting for 4 hours daily, ummm, no. The only biryani I got to eat was at the office cafeteria, and all of you who work in MNCs, are probably laughing out loud right now, or just shaking your heads along in pity. You see, office cafeteria food is a separate blog of despair all together.
So anyhow, I never managed to visit char Minar either. But on the way back to the airport, I begged the driver to stop at Mangatrai and I picked up 2 sets of pearls - black and white. When I reached the airport and reported at the Air Sahara counter, I got a call on my cell. Guess who? Air Sahara - informing me that my flight was delayed by 3 hours. What fucking geniuses man.
When I finally got my flight, I was relieved to note that this time around the plane had life jackets and did not expect me to float on a cushion the size of my ass.
I spent my time at the airport and in-flight with a wonderful gentleman who I recognized to be from my office. Ofcourse I had no clue who he was. It was sometime during the flight, when I was grabbing my arm rests in fear because of the turbulence (bitchy storm), that I found out that the man I had been gabbing with was the damn Asst. Vice President for Finance. Rest of the trip was spent trying to flash back to try and remember if I had said anything ungainly about my company. I realized what a futile exercise it was. Waiting at the airport, all I had done was bitch about Air Sahara and my company. I had specifically bitched about the compensation packages, and how the finances of the company were in dire straits. Way to go woman, I said to myself. Pat on the back doesn't even cover it.
In conclusion, on this business trip I did the following:
1. Scared kids on the plane
2. Got sick on the plane
3. Worked till 1 AM at the hotel, woke up at 5 AM to work more - everyday
4. Traveled for 4 hours everyday
5. Fought with transport and IT
6. Ate office food that I eat in Gurgaon anyway
7. Cooled my heels at the airport for 6 hours
8. Embarassed myself in front of the AVP Finance
When I reached back office, my AVP sauntered over to me and asked, "So, how was your vacation?"
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Introducing - My Photo Blog
I find myself wanting to capture silly things on the street. 4 boys riding on the scooter, celebrating India's win in some cricket match. A little girl crying with a pouty bottom lip on her way to school. Aunties haggling over veggies with a vendor. Those huge tractors from the farms with veggies stackpiled so neatly on them. Vendors selling colorful baloons to kids. A 50-year old distinguished CEO-type licking an ice cream with the same joy as his 4-year old son. A pretty flower just growing out of a cracked concrete driveway.
Therefore, introducing my photo blog - Through The Lens I See.
Therefore, introducing my photo blog - Through The Lens I See.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Interview With The Vampire
The idea for this post came when Safari Al posted a comment on my last post, asking me for any pointers for job interviews. Seeing as how I'm older and wiser, I've decided to help good 'ol Safari, and any other about-to-interview kids out there. The only condition being, you have to buy me a glass of some superlative ice wine or what the heck, beer ought to do.
One of the most traumatic experiences you'll ever go through in your life is an interview.
It starts when you're a 2 year old toddler and need to get admission into a playschool. Now what is the maximum that 2 year olds can do? I mean drool and ga-ga is pretty much it right? However, to be able to check that you can drool and ga-ga in a social situation with 10 other little todds, you need to give an interview where they will check if your social conditioning is appropriate and if your psychological makeup is at par with your peer group. What the fuck? At 2, the only social conditioning I had was to make sure no one stole my chocolates out of the tiffin box. And my peer group? Heck, we all came to playshool with our names stitched onto our hankies and panties.
The playschool apparently prepares you for the next interview. The school interview. As if it wasn't enough that our parents like to treat us like monkeys infront of relatives ("Beta, uncle to namaste karke dikhao" - Child, show uncle how you do namaste")! Now the playschool will teach us how to be uniform monkeys. So you have a bunch of 3 year olds all trying to identify colors. Parents will pay teachers extra if their kids can say fuchia instead of pink and tangerine instead of orange. Ofcourse, this is a double-edged sword. My niece, the by-product of 2 doctors was a precocious, although intelligent 3 year old. When asked what her parents did for a living, intead of saying they were doctors, she told the nun that her "dad is an ortho surgeon and ma is a paeds anesthetist". She was denied admission on account that she was being "over-smart". Now tell me this - how is a 3 year old over smart??
You must be wondering where I am going with this. I mean this post was supposed to be advice on job interviews. But see, being older and wiser, I'm just setting precedent. Basically you have given interviews your whole damn life, so this one will be just the same.
Anyway, so then you give interviews after school to get into college. Everyone has heard how at Stephen's some dudes were asked, "What's the color of the wall behind you?" Most of the simple ones turned their necks to check the wall behind them. Other's confidently strutted, "Same as the color of the wall behind you Sir." No prizes for guessing who got it and who didn't. I have just one question here. In the Asian Paints advertisement on TV, for that matter Nerolac too, they show how every wall of the house has a different color. So now what do you do?? Here's my suggestion, take it for what its worth. You just say, "I'm color blind, and I hope you don't prejudice against me because of my disability." If you don't get in, just leak to the press how this famous institution does not welcome students with disability. See how fast they offer you a scholarship. Actually, even better, get an SCST certificate, and see how the doors open for you. You don't have to even study you know. And thanks to Arjun Singh and all the pro-reservation idiots, we'll have a country of inept fools, who won't know what color the wall is.
Ok, so now after college, assuming you get through your MBA interviews (since I'm not one, I cannot athoritatively write on the matter), you finally get to the Holy Grail. The job interview.
Job interviews work differently if you are a man and if you are a woman. So I think both sexes should be tackled separately.
If you are a woman -
1. Depending on where you are interviewing, dress carefully. Ask the HR the name of the person who will interview you. Google the person before hand and see if you can get some dirty goss on them. For instance, if you are being interviewed by a male, and you find his name and number at a men-wanting-sex-with-men site, then he is probably my ex-boss. If you still want the job, go with something cleavage revealing and you'll probably get the job before you open your mouth. Remember though, once you do get the job and start working for him, the only time he'll want you to open your mouth will not be to speak! So beware.
2. If you are being interviewed by a woman, make sure you dress severely and professionally. You cannot under any circumstances afford to be perceived as an attractive woman.
3. What to say - Now this is not as tough as it sounds. Pepper your sentences with words like core competencies, benchmarking, best practises, six sigma, market thrust, critical to quality, proactiveness, initiative, my dad is the director, market intelligence etc. You'll just sail through.
4. Should you get a call back, don't start talking excitely. Try and remember how you behaved in college when hot dude Rahul finally asked you out. How did you calm yourself on the phone? Do the same here.
If you are a man -
1. If you are being interviwed by a woman, make sure you are slightly flirty and complimentary. At the same time, you also need to appear like a good boy. You must walk a line as narrow as the yellow line that divides the roads in Delhi. And if you fall on either side of this yellow line, you will just end up being road kill. This takes years of practice, but don't worry. You walked the exact same line in 12th grade when your practicals invigilator was a female. And you got through that one didn't you?
2. If you are being interviewed by a man, you cannot under any circustances appear to be more confident or powerful than he. Remember he has to feel secure about his position as the king rooster (or cock, take your pick). You on the other hand are the little chick (or baby cock), no matter what you try to convince your gym buddies and girlfriends with.
3. What you must say is pretty much the same as the ladies. Use the phrases listed above frequenty and you should get by just fine.
4. Men must remember one more thing - the handshake. Remember the old saying, "Limp handshake, limp d**k." Trust me, it holds so true in the corporate world. At the same time, your handshake cannot appear stronger than the male interviewer's. And please please be careful while shaking hands with women. You have to be firm, but you cannot crush her hand and leave it imprinted with her diamond rings.
5. Finally, men, you must also remember that the Kwality Feast advertisement showing on TV these days (where the interviewer and interviewee get all hot over a cone) is purely a work of fiction.
With these tips, I welcome you to the corporate world. Its bigger, messier, and nothing like what you dreamed about (Inject evil laughter track). We'll be waiting.
One of the most traumatic experiences you'll ever go through in your life is an interview.
It starts when you're a 2 year old toddler and need to get admission into a playschool. Now what is the maximum that 2 year olds can do? I mean drool and ga-ga is pretty much it right? However, to be able to check that you can drool and ga-ga in a social situation with 10 other little todds, you need to give an interview where they will check if your social conditioning is appropriate and if your psychological makeup is at par with your peer group. What the fuck? At 2, the only social conditioning I had was to make sure no one stole my chocolates out of the tiffin box. And my peer group? Heck, we all came to playshool with our names stitched onto our hankies and panties.
The playschool apparently prepares you for the next interview. The school interview. As if it wasn't enough that our parents like to treat us like monkeys infront of relatives ("Beta, uncle to namaste karke dikhao" - Child, show uncle how you do namaste")! Now the playschool will teach us how to be uniform monkeys. So you have a bunch of 3 year olds all trying to identify colors. Parents will pay teachers extra if their kids can say fuchia instead of pink and tangerine instead of orange. Ofcourse, this is a double-edged sword. My niece, the by-product of 2 doctors was a precocious, although intelligent 3 year old. When asked what her parents did for a living, intead of saying they were doctors, she told the nun that her "dad is an ortho surgeon and ma is a paeds anesthetist". She was denied admission on account that she was being "over-smart". Now tell me this - how is a 3 year old over smart??
You must be wondering where I am going with this. I mean this post was supposed to be advice on job interviews. But see, being older and wiser, I'm just setting precedent. Basically you have given interviews your whole damn life, so this one will be just the same.
Anyway, so then you give interviews after school to get into college. Everyone has heard how at Stephen's some dudes were asked, "What's the color of the wall behind you?" Most of the simple ones turned their necks to check the wall behind them. Other's confidently strutted, "Same as the color of the wall behind you Sir." No prizes for guessing who got it and who didn't. I have just one question here. In the Asian Paints advertisement on TV, for that matter Nerolac too, they show how every wall of the house has a different color. So now what do you do?? Here's my suggestion, take it for what its worth. You just say, "I'm color blind, and I hope you don't prejudice against me because of my disability." If you don't get in, just leak to the press how this famous institution does not welcome students with disability. See how fast they offer you a scholarship. Actually, even better, get an SCST certificate, and see how the doors open for you. You don't have to even study you know. And thanks to Arjun Singh and all the pro-reservation idiots, we'll have a country of inept fools, who won't know what color the wall is.
Ok, so now after college, assuming you get through your MBA interviews (since I'm not one, I cannot athoritatively write on the matter), you finally get to the Holy Grail. The job interview.
Job interviews work differently if you are a man and if you are a woman. So I think both sexes should be tackled separately.
If you are a woman -
1. Depending on where you are interviewing, dress carefully. Ask the HR the name of the person who will interview you. Google the person before hand and see if you can get some dirty goss on them. For instance, if you are being interviewed by a male, and you find his name and number at a men-wanting-sex-with-men site, then he is probably my ex-boss. If you still want the job, go with something cleavage revealing and you'll probably get the job before you open your mouth. Remember though, once you do get the job and start working for him, the only time he'll want you to open your mouth will not be to speak! So beware.
2. If you are being interviewed by a woman, make sure you dress severely and professionally. You cannot under any circumstances afford to be perceived as an attractive woman.
3. What to say - Now this is not as tough as it sounds. Pepper your sentences with words like core competencies, benchmarking, best practises, six sigma, market thrust, critical to quality, proactiveness, initiative, my dad is the director, market intelligence etc. You'll just sail through.
4. Should you get a call back, don't start talking excitely. Try and remember how you behaved in college when hot dude Rahul finally asked you out. How did you calm yourself on the phone? Do the same here.
If you are a man -
1. If you are being interviwed by a woman, make sure you are slightly flirty and complimentary. At the same time, you also need to appear like a good boy. You must walk a line as narrow as the yellow line that divides the roads in Delhi. And if you fall on either side of this yellow line, you will just end up being road kill. This takes years of practice, but don't worry. You walked the exact same line in 12th grade when your practicals invigilator was a female. And you got through that one didn't you?
2. If you are being interviewed by a man, you cannot under any circustances appear to be more confident or powerful than he. Remember he has to feel secure about his position as the king rooster (or cock, take your pick). You on the other hand are the little chick (or baby cock), no matter what you try to convince your gym buddies and girlfriends with.
3. What you must say is pretty much the same as the ladies. Use the phrases listed above frequenty and you should get by just fine.
4. Men must remember one more thing - the handshake. Remember the old saying, "Limp handshake, limp d**k." Trust me, it holds so true in the corporate world. At the same time, your handshake cannot appear stronger than the male interviewer's. And please please be careful while shaking hands with women. You have to be firm, but you cannot crush her hand and leave it imprinted with her diamond rings.
5. Finally, men, you must also remember that the Kwality Feast advertisement showing on TV these days (where the interviewer and interviewee get all hot over a cone) is purely a work of fiction.
With these tips, I welcome you to the corporate world. Its bigger, messier, and nothing like what you dreamed about (Inject evil laughter track). We'll be waiting.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
The Wanderer's Tags
Its been a long long time away from the blog. Life has been hectic with new and interesting things happening. But before I start on any of those, I have to execute the great Wanderer's tag that Silverine tagged me with. So here goes-
5 people who top your shit list..... and why:
1. The Games Teacher from 2nd grade at Fr. Agnel's School, Delhi - As a 2nd grader giving her final Math exam, I was a bit unclear about a question on long division since I had been out of school for a couple of months because of Measles. When I went to the Games Teacher (the invigilator) to ask for a clarification, he slapped me infront of the whole class. Now I wouldn't be dramatic enough to say he sparked a life long fear of mathematics, but I always remember the humiliation of my first and only ever slap in school.
2. The ex-boss - Some men are just born so that they can be killed again. He was one such item. The man harassed every female within a 10 km radius. Infact I believe he just had to look at a woman to harass her. He made my life living hell, constantly arranging so I had to work late, and then offering to drop me back home. The sick bastard didn't even spare the pregnant HR Head!
3. Arjun Singh - He's the asshole who started Mandal Commission and the whole reservation shit. What is the point of blocking off some 50% jobs on the basis of a piece of paper, which can pretty much be bought off the street. If he really wants to give opportunities to those he feels are lesser blessed on account of their birth (!!) as SCST, why he can't open more schools and colleges?
4. Irresponsible Parents - Especially those idiots who never make an effort to calm their little brats. Don't get me wrong...I love kids...but I don't love brats...and certainly not their parents, who insted of controlling them, smile on adoringly. What is it with that eh?? On a recent trip to Agra, one such brat happened to make my aquantaince. Now the little brat kept running up and down the AC Volvo bus, and every monument we visited, he spoilt the serenity with his constant screaming. And what did his mom and dad do? They sat and smiled proudly at their little creation. Ghhrrrr... Yours truly was visiting the Taj with her fiance (yes I got engaged!) of one day, so a little peace and quiet for a romantic moment was much desired. But did the brat allow that? Nooooo...so what did I do? Outside the main Taj monument, I caught the little brat when his mommy wasn't around, and had a little staring down competition. And I made him CRY!
5. Delhi Auto Wallahs - I know I know I've mentioned them before. But what can I do? They fit the category so well. Why do they have a meter if they refuse to ever use it. And if they ever decide to use it, the damn meter will run like its in a motor rally for meters. Often they refuse to go to a certain destination as they may have to return empty. Oh really? I didn't realize I had to pay return fare when I travel in a rickety vehicle balanced on 3 wheels. Figured that part was reserved for rickety vehicles that fly and do a landing on 6 wheels, and sometimes even 5 or 4.
Close brushes with death/danger:
1. On the way to Kodaikanal with parents, our little bus almost plunged into the ravines. They aren't kidding in the Kodaikanal sightseeing guides when they call every single point a "Suicide Point".
2. Almost got run over by a bus while crossing the street at Janpath. Why? Because I had just spotted a gorgeous pair of Kolhapuris. Thank God the bus driver spotted me.
3. On the way to a dam in UP, our Ambassador (yes, I've actually ridden in one!) got stuck on this really narrow road (if a dirt path with boulders can be called that). There were no oncoming verhicles, but somehow the driver of our Ambi thought it was a good idea to honk. So there we are, hanging off the dirt road, ready to plunge to our death, and the driver was honking like his life our ours depended on it. For a minute there, I think my family preferred the plunge than an Ambi horn, but I lived to tell the tale.
5 Preferable modes of suicide, in descending order:
I'm going to skip this one, because I have no intention of killing myself, or giving any ideas to those who may be thinking along these lines.
5 Guilty pleasures:
1. Dark Temptation at Barista - A scrumptious dessert with warm Chocolate excess cake, ice cream and whipped cream covered with chocolate sauce...Ok people, wipe off the drool.
2. Long Island Ice Tea - 2 of these babies, and I can pull a Marilyn Monroe on a piano top.
3. Big Chill Food - Penne with mozzarela, chicken, and cheese. Bolognaise with tomato sauce. Naplotanaise spagetti. Belgian chocolate shake. Squidgy dark chocolate cake. Missisipi mud pie. Need I say more?
4. Saturday sleep-ins - Getting to sleep in on Saturdays till noon. Read a little. Sleep a litle. Read a little. Sleep a little. Hmmmmmm....
5. Responding to Blog Comments at Work - I'm supposed to do it...but then rules are made to be broken right?
5 things you never want to forget:
1. My mom and my fiance - The 2 more important people in my life.
2. My first kiss - It was outside college, when it was raining and Delhi was its prettiest best. The kiss however was not! It was so awkward and funny that we both just ended up laughing afterwards :-)
3. First time I felt a baby kick - My cousin sister stayed with us during her final trimester, and at night, her baby would get all active. I felt that baby kick, and it was the most significant moment of my life. I've wanted babies ever since.
4. My engagement - He proposed in a bus. And I proposed in an auto rickshaw. How can I ever forget :-)
5. My school farewell - All my false bravado at never crying on the farewell was swept away when I made that long walk from my seat to the center of the school field during my farewell. The Principal was reading out my citation, how I had come there as a gawky 7th grader. I was surrounded by beautiful diyas. And as I walked past the teachers who had taught me all those years, who had laughed and cried with me...I couldn't help it. I blubbered like a baby.
5 things you wish to forget:
1. First slap - Read above.
2. Basic Instinct 2 - It is horrible. I can't believe the last 2 movies I've seen are Memoirs of a Geisha and Basic Instinct 2. And I saw BI (or BS, take your pick) on Easter!
3. Math exams in college - Honest, Real Analysis sucked
I can't think of anything else I'd like to forget. I figure, if I forget, how they hell will I learn from it right?
5 really exotic dishes you have tried:
I'm really not into experimenting with food. If it has more than 4 legs, you can just leave it ff my plate, thank you very much. Same goes if it doesn't have legs.
I did however go to this chocolatier at Priya, Basant Lok, which served these amazing chocolates. I had a chocolate sauce...which was AMAZING.
5 crushes/loves in your life... in chronological order
1. This guy in my office. I don't know what department he is from, or even what his name is. But he has a shaved head, and he is super hot.
2. Dude from French class. He was a German trying to earn French. I had never before been so interested in Germany before.
3. Choir boy in Church
4. Judo Champ
Strangest dream you ever had:
I have only strange dreams, so picking one out is quite a task. I used to have a best friend in school who lived in the hostel. He was this tall arab kid and we got along super well. Only problem was that he got in regular trouble with the other boys at the hostel. One night I dreamt that I walked into class, and looked to the left. Tauqir was sitting on the left most bench with a bruised left eye. I ask him in my dream how he got the bruised eye, and he says he had a fight at the hostel and got hit. About this time, my mom woke me up to go to school. Guess what happens. I reach school. I walk into class, and look to the left. Tauqir is sitting on the left most bench with a bruised left eye. I ask him how he got the bruised eye, and he says he had a fight at the hostel and got hit.
Bizzare? Hell yeah!
5 most valued personal possessions:
1. My books. My mother keeps threatening to sell them for recycling. But I've told her that if she does that, I'll leave home or something. I'm so kicked about the idea of giving these books to my future generations someday.
2. My Nokia 6600. Do I need to say more?
3. My engagement ring.
Not too many other possessions I'm nuts about.
5 favorite superheroes..... and why:
1. Superman: I think more than Superman...its Christopher Reeves I would end up admiring.
2. Spiderman: He was had such cool lines. The original one-liner guy.
3. Batman: Wham. Whack. Thud. Don't you miss that show?
4. Captain Planet: Is it strange that I found him hot? Recycle anyone?
I can't think of any other undie-over-pant heroes...so I'll sign off here.
I promise the next post will be quicker than this.
I tag Lalit, World Seller Gal, Vaibhav.
5 people who top your shit list..... and why:
1. The Games Teacher from 2nd grade at Fr. Agnel's School, Delhi - As a 2nd grader giving her final Math exam, I was a bit unclear about a question on long division since I had been out of school for a couple of months because of Measles. When I went to the Games Teacher (the invigilator) to ask for a clarification, he slapped me infront of the whole class. Now I wouldn't be dramatic enough to say he sparked a life long fear of mathematics, but I always remember the humiliation of my first and only ever slap in school.
2. The ex-boss - Some men are just born so that they can be killed again. He was one such item. The man harassed every female within a 10 km radius. Infact I believe he just had to look at a woman to harass her. He made my life living hell, constantly arranging so I had to work late, and then offering to drop me back home. The sick bastard didn't even spare the pregnant HR Head!
3. Arjun Singh - He's the asshole who started Mandal Commission and the whole reservation shit. What is the point of blocking off some 50% jobs on the basis of a piece of paper, which can pretty much be bought off the street. If he really wants to give opportunities to those he feels are lesser blessed on account of their birth (!!) as SCST, why he can't open more schools and colleges?
4. Irresponsible Parents - Especially those idiots who never make an effort to calm their little brats. Don't get me wrong...I love kids...but I don't love brats...and certainly not their parents, who insted of controlling them, smile on adoringly. What is it with that eh?? On a recent trip to Agra, one such brat happened to make my aquantaince. Now the little brat kept running up and down the AC Volvo bus, and every monument we visited, he spoilt the serenity with his constant screaming. And what did his mom and dad do? They sat and smiled proudly at their little creation. Ghhrrrr... Yours truly was visiting the Taj with her fiance (yes I got engaged!) of one day, so a little peace and quiet for a romantic moment was much desired. But did the brat allow that? Nooooo...so what did I do? Outside the main Taj monument, I caught the little brat when his mommy wasn't around, and had a little staring down competition. And I made him CRY!
5. Delhi Auto Wallahs - I know I know I've mentioned them before. But what can I do? They fit the category so well. Why do they have a meter if they refuse to ever use it. And if they ever decide to use it, the damn meter will run like its in a motor rally for meters. Often they refuse to go to a certain destination as they may have to return empty. Oh really? I didn't realize I had to pay return fare when I travel in a rickety vehicle balanced on 3 wheels. Figured that part was reserved for rickety vehicles that fly and do a landing on 6 wheels, and sometimes even 5 or 4.
Close brushes with death/danger:
1. On the way to Kodaikanal with parents, our little bus almost plunged into the ravines. They aren't kidding in the Kodaikanal sightseeing guides when they call every single point a "Suicide Point".
2. Almost got run over by a bus while crossing the street at Janpath. Why? Because I had just spotted a gorgeous pair of Kolhapuris. Thank God the bus driver spotted me.
3. On the way to a dam in UP, our Ambassador (yes, I've actually ridden in one!) got stuck on this really narrow road (if a dirt path with boulders can be called that). There were no oncoming verhicles, but somehow the driver of our Ambi thought it was a good idea to honk. So there we are, hanging off the dirt road, ready to plunge to our death, and the driver was honking like his life our ours depended on it. For a minute there, I think my family preferred the plunge than an Ambi horn, but I lived to tell the tale.
5 Preferable modes of suicide, in descending order:
I'm going to skip this one, because I have no intention of killing myself, or giving any ideas to those who may be thinking along these lines.
5 Guilty pleasures:
1. Dark Temptation at Barista - A scrumptious dessert with warm Chocolate excess cake, ice cream and whipped cream covered with chocolate sauce...Ok people, wipe off the drool.
2. Long Island Ice Tea - 2 of these babies, and I can pull a Marilyn Monroe on a piano top.
3. Big Chill Food - Penne with mozzarela, chicken, and cheese. Bolognaise with tomato sauce. Naplotanaise spagetti. Belgian chocolate shake. Squidgy dark chocolate cake. Missisipi mud pie. Need I say more?
4. Saturday sleep-ins - Getting to sleep in on Saturdays till noon. Read a little. Sleep a litle. Read a little. Sleep a little. Hmmmmmm....
5. Responding to Blog Comments at Work - I'm supposed to do it...but then rules are made to be broken right?
5 things you never want to forget:
1. My mom and my fiance - The 2 more important people in my life.
2. My first kiss - It was outside college, when it was raining and Delhi was its prettiest best. The kiss however was not! It was so awkward and funny that we both just ended up laughing afterwards :-)
3. First time I felt a baby kick - My cousin sister stayed with us during her final trimester, and at night, her baby would get all active. I felt that baby kick, and it was the most significant moment of my life. I've wanted babies ever since.
4. My engagement - He proposed in a bus. And I proposed in an auto rickshaw. How can I ever forget :-)
5. My school farewell - All my false bravado at never crying on the farewell was swept away when I made that long walk from my seat to the center of the school field during my farewell. The Principal was reading out my citation, how I had come there as a gawky 7th grader. I was surrounded by beautiful diyas. And as I walked past the teachers who had taught me all those years, who had laughed and cried with me...I couldn't help it. I blubbered like a baby.
5 things you wish to forget:
1. First slap - Read above.
2. Basic Instinct 2 - It is horrible. I can't believe the last 2 movies I've seen are Memoirs of a Geisha and Basic Instinct 2. And I saw BI (or BS, take your pick) on Easter!
3. Math exams in college - Honest, Real Analysis sucked
I can't think of anything else I'd like to forget. I figure, if I forget, how they hell will I learn from it right?
5 really exotic dishes you have tried:
I'm really not into experimenting with food. If it has more than 4 legs, you can just leave it ff my plate, thank you very much. Same goes if it doesn't have legs.
I did however go to this chocolatier at Priya, Basant Lok, which served these amazing chocolates. I had a chocolate sauce...which was AMAZING.
5 crushes/loves in your life... in chronological order
1. This guy in my office. I don't know what department he is from, or even what his name is. But he has a shaved head, and he is super hot.
2. Dude from French class. He was a German trying to earn French. I had never before been so interested in Germany before.
3. Choir boy in Church
4. Judo Champ
Strangest dream you ever had:
I have only strange dreams, so picking one out is quite a task. I used to have a best friend in school who lived in the hostel. He was this tall arab kid and we got along super well. Only problem was that he got in regular trouble with the other boys at the hostel. One night I dreamt that I walked into class, and looked to the left. Tauqir was sitting on the left most bench with a bruised left eye. I ask him in my dream how he got the bruised eye, and he says he had a fight at the hostel and got hit. About this time, my mom woke me up to go to school. Guess what happens. I reach school. I walk into class, and look to the left. Tauqir is sitting on the left most bench with a bruised left eye. I ask him how he got the bruised eye, and he says he had a fight at the hostel and got hit.
Bizzare? Hell yeah!
5 most valued personal possessions:
1. My books. My mother keeps threatening to sell them for recycling. But I've told her that if she does that, I'll leave home or something. I'm so kicked about the idea of giving these books to my future generations someday.
2. My Nokia 6600. Do I need to say more?
3. My engagement ring.
Not too many other possessions I'm nuts about.
5 favorite superheroes..... and why:
1. Superman: I think more than Superman...its Christopher Reeves I would end up admiring.
2. Spiderman: He was had such cool lines. The original one-liner guy.
3. Batman: Wham. Whack. Thud. Don't you miss that show?
4. Captain Planet: Is it strange that I found him hot? Recycle anyone?
I can't think of any other undie-over-pant heroes...so I'll sign off here.
I promise the next post will be quicker than this.
I tag Lalit, World Seller Gal, Vaibhav.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
In Bed With A Tom Cat
My old bones have finally recovered from my recent office trip into the mountains. My mental state however is still undergoing recovery. So I figured before I start writing about the trip, I ought to write about the weeks I endured before it.
When I was a wee bonny baby, carrying my 50 kg bag to school each day, and studying countless books for pointless exams, I used to dream of growing up one day and going to a glamorous office. I used to wonder what it would be like to wear "civil" clothes each day instead of my dull blue and grey school uniform. And how wonderful it would be to not have to attend even a single PTA meeting ever again.
Then I grew up.
My 50 kg school bag has been replaced with a 60 kg laptop bag. Honestly that's how heavy it feels. Office is hardly glamorous considering the people I meet in the cab each day, the amount of FM I have to listen to, and the kind of food I have to eat. "Civil" clothes have become a headache unto themselves...Catty women abound the office. I have on more than one occasion observed a boardroom drama come to a climax with one cat looking at another and saying, "Nice top..Sarojini??" Meow anyone? For the uninitiated, Sarojini is Delhi's export surplus market. Everyone buys it. No one admits it. And PTA meeting. Well its been replaced with the MNC torture method - quaterly evaluation. Often I feel like my functional manager is my class teacher and my manager my daddy. I have to hear what a bad girl I have been in the quarter from both of them. And then I'm sure they discuss me between the two of them also. I can just picture it...
Class Teacher: She has not been doing her homework
Daddy: Really? You know, I give her sufficient time to do it
CT: Well, I know, I see her with her friends quite often...So I'm sure she has the time...But neither flesh nor spirit seem willing
Daddy: You're right. I'll just ground her.
And that's how I find myself working late hours.
Anyway, that's not what this rant is about. In school, I used to also dream of days when March would no longer mean studying for exams. Instead I would have the time to enjoy spring with long walks under trees with leaves of different colors. I thought this year would be one such year. Alas, it was not to be.
I received a merry mail in the last week of Feb announcing that there will be exams in March in office. Essentially to test the skills for which they have hired me. A little late in the day I say, considering I've been using those skills for a year now. There were going to be three exams...One each week of March. So much for spring.
Week 1:
An exam to test my grammar. Went smoothy enough. There were just a couple of glitches when during the exam, I was more fascinated with the invigilator's gorgeous white heels. Honest...They were super sexy. I think they were Ashley. They bore a resemblance to these Jimmy Choo's I saw in this month's Elle. What? You want to know how the exam went? Errrr.....Well....The heels were amazing.
Week 2:
A written or rather typed exam to test how well I can write. I hurt my left hand's middle finger 2 days before the exam. Don't ask me how THAT finger got hurt. Believe it or not, I was just cutting my nails. The finger was filled with puss and pained like hell. I had to get a minor incision to drain it all, but I figured I better do it all after my exam. The fear that a stich may disable my left hand from typing paralyzed me.
Anyhow, I started the exam and typed away with one hand. It was smooth like a baby's bottom. The exam. Not my hand. And I was through with it well ahead of time. Infact I even managed to review my answers once before time was up. Something I absolutely never achieved throughout my education. Feeling very proud of myself, I saved and closed both the documents I was working on. I was feeling particularly happy with myself. And guess what happened. When I tried to re-open my docs, one doc went MIA. I searched high and low, through various temporary folders, I almost dismantled the hard drive...But I never found doc 2. It was something I had been working on for 3 hours! Sysadmin wasn't much help either. He shrugged his shoulders and said...I suggest you just re-create you doc.
!@&#@@#($)_@*#&$
So what did I do? Well, I stayed back...Hurting hand and all. And I re-created the damn doc and gave it in. This is why they say don't count your chickens before they cross the road.
Week 3:
Project presentation before a tough panel. I had the luck of being one of the first presenters. Keeping in line with my luck the past 2 weeks, I didn't have much hope from it. My presentation was on Monday morning. Sunday night, I was still preparing my pitch till 12 in the night. Having planned to reach office early to prepare further, I was going to leave home in the morning at about 6 AM. That gave me about 5 hours of sleep.
Like a good girl, I went to bed at 12 midnight. The nervousness kept me up till about 1. Now my bedroom is placed in a manner that there is a balcony behind it. And just behind my head is a large window. A window with a cooler but no wire mesh or glass. In summers, its quite a relief to have all the fresh air...But this one night...Perhaps it wasn't so safe. Sometime towards 3 AM I heard a thud in the balcony. Sounded like someone had landed outside. Ma and I both got up with a start (I'm afraid of sleeping alone...Don't judge me!).
Ma (in a whisper): Did you hear that? Sounds like someone jumped onto our balcony
Me (in a whisper): Yes
Ma (very very loudly): Kaun Hai??? Who is it??
Me (irritated and loudly): Ma, what the hell makes you think its an English speaking burglar. If he spoke English, he'd be in a call center wouldn't he?
Ma (defensive and weepy): I said in Hindi also!
Me (pacifying but sarcastic): If its a thief, do you honestly think he's going to answer you????
My ma, still sprightly for her age...Climbed on the bed and tried to peep through the window onto the dark balcony to see if she could spot a thief. Since she chose to stand over my hand, there was nothing I could do to help. When I finally managed to get my voice back, I squeeked, "Ma, switch on the bedroom lights..Atleast you'll be able to see outside." Relief poured through my veins as Ma got off my hand and walked over to switch on the light. As our tubelight flickered to life, both of us now peered onto our balcony. We saw nothing. Finally we decided to call it a night. Time - 3:30 AM.
Sleep took over me again, although I was still palpitating at the thought of a burglar in my balcony. Suddenly, there was a loud CRASH and something jumped at the suitcase just behind my headboard...AAAAHHHHH...There was a very loud MEOW and both Ma and I screamed in terror! A cat ladies and gentlemen. A TOM CAT. A BIG BLACK TOM CAT. I don't know who was more scared, the cat or us! The cat streaked out and ran into the other room. Ma and I completely taken aback at this surprise visitor. Time - 4 AM
Ma heard me groan. I reminded her of the ordeal I had to face in just a few hours, and how the lack of beauty sleep was just going to make me cranky. Seeing disaster about to erupt, Ma told me to lie back in bed, cover my face with the quilt and go off to sleep while she hunted out the tom cat.
So while I covered my face, Ma went and got a broom to drive out our midnight intruder. I could hear her thrashing about with the broom. At one point I heard a loud "Stupid Bitch". I couldn't help but smile under the quilt...Evil laughter more likely. As if the expletive wasn't bad enough, Ma started whispering sweet nothings to the tom cat and went "here kitty kitty kitty...Here kitty kitty kitty".
At this point I felt a lumpiness in the quilt. I thought Ma was messing with me. Besides which I wanted to breathe and laugh at the whole "kitty" bit. So I uncovered my head. THE CAT WAS SITTING ON TOP OF ME 2 INCHES AWAY FROM MY FACE.
Tom cat: HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Me: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I quickly covered my face again. Ma ran into the bedroom. The cat got scared and started running up and down my body. I was screaming under the quilt. Ma got into action mode and started trying to hit the "kitty" with the broom. The cat was fast. ma wasn't. She hit me more than the cat. I felt like I was the victim of a village exorcism ceremony. Ma with open hair and broom in hand...Hitting me...Black cat tearing up and down me.
Ma ran and opened the back door to allow the cat to escape. But our kitty wasn't the brightest spark in the woods. He tried to escape from the same window through which he had come. Unfortunately, he was a little too fat to through the sill on the way out. Garfield anyone?
My traumatic night came to an end when the cat finally escaped through the backdoor. Time - 4:45 AM
She'll be back I know. Seeking her vendetta. V for vendetta.
Wake up time - 5:30 AM
Cab pick-up time - 6:15 AM
Presentation time - 11 AM
How did the presentation go?
Well, I don't remember any shoes, and I didn't loose and documents. So that's good news I suppose. I'll find out more when I get my results in April. Maybe at another pseudo PTA meeting!
When I was a wee bonny baby, carrying my 50 kg bag to school each day, and studying countless books for pointless exams, I used to dream of growing up one day and going to a glamorous office. I used to wonder what it would be like to wear "civil" clothes each day instead of my dull blue and grey school uniform. And how wonderful it would be to not have to attend even a single PTA meeting ever again.
Then I grew up.
My 50 kg school bag has been replaced with a 60 kg laptop bag. Honestly that's how heavy it feels. Office is hardly glamorous considering the people I meet in the cab each day, the amount of FM I have to listen to, and the kind of food I have to eat. "Civil" clothes have become a headache unto themselves...Catty women abound the office. I have on more than one occasion observed a boardroom drama come to a climax with one cat looking at another and saying, "Nice top..Sarojini??" Meow anyone? For the uninitiated, Sarojini is Delhi's export surplus market. Everyone buys it. No one admits it. And PTA meeting. Well its been replaced with the MNC torture method - quaterly evaluation. Often I feel like my functional manager is my class teacher and my manager my daddy. I have to hear what a bad girl I have been in the quarter from both of them. And then I'm sure they discuss me between the two of them also. I can just picture it...
Class Teacher: She has not been doing her homework
Daddy: Really? You know, I give her sufficient time to do it
CT: Well, I know, I see her with her friends quite often...So I'm sure she has the time...But neither flesh nor spirit seem willing
Daddy: You're right. I'll just ground her.
And that's how I find myself working late hours.
Anyway, that's not what this rant is about. In school, I used to also dream of days when March would no longer mean studying for exams. Instead I would have the time to enjoy spring with long walks under trees with leaves of different colors. I thought this year would be one such year. Alas, it was not to be.
I received a merry mail in the last week of Feb announcing that there will be exams in March in office. Essentially to test the skills for which they have hired me. A little late in the day I say, considering I've been using those skills for a year now. There were going to be three exams...One each week of March. So much for spring.
Week 1:
An exam to test my grammar. Went smoothy enough. There were just a couple of glitches when during the exam, I was more fascinated with the invigilator's gorgeous white heels. Honest...They were super sexy. I think they were Ashley. They bore a resemblance to these Jimmy Choo's I saw in this month's Elle. What? You want to know how the exam went? Errrr.....Well....The heels were amazing.
Week 2:
A written or rather typed exam to test how well I can write. I hurt my left hand's middle finger 2 days before the exam. Don't ask me how THAT finger got hurt. Believe it or not, I was just cutting my nails. The finger was filled with puss and pained like hell. I had to get a minor incision to drain it all, but I figured I better do it all after my exam. The fear that a stich may disable my left hand from typing paralyzed me.
Anyhow, I started the exam and typed away with one hand. It was smooth like a baby's bottom. The exam. Not my hand. And I was through with it well ahead of time. Infact I even managed to review my answers once before time was up. Something I absolutely never achieved throughout my education. Feeling very proud of myself, I saved and closed both the documents I was working on. I was feeling particularly happy with myself. And guess what happened. When I tried to re-open my docs, one doc went MIA. I searched high and low, through various temporary folders, I almost dismantled the hard drive...But I never found doc 2. It was something I had been working on for 3 hours! Sysadmin wasn't much help either. He shrugged his shoulders and said...I suggest you just re-create you doc.
!@&#@@#($)_@*#&$
So what did I do? Well, I stayed back...Hurting hand and all. And I re-created the damn doc and gave it in. This is why they say don't count your chickens before they cross the road.
Week 3:
Project presentation before a tough panel. I had the luck of being one of the first presenters. Keeping in line with my luck the past 2 weeks, I didn't have much hope from it. My presentation was on Monday morning. Sunday night, I was still preparing my pitch till 12 in the night. Having planned to reach office early to prepare further, I was going to leave home in the morning at about 6 AM. That gave me about 5 hours of sleep.
Like a good girl, I went to bed at 12 midnight. The nervousness kept me up till about 1. Now my bedroom is placed in a manner that there is a balcony behind it. And just behind my head is a large window. A window with a cooler but no wire mesh or glass. In summers, its quite a relief to have all the fresh air...But this one night...Perhaps it wasn't so safe. Sometime towards 3 AM I heard a thud in the balcony. Sounded like someone had landed outside. Ma and I both got up with a start (I'm afraid of sleeping alone...Don't judge me!).
Ma (in a whisper): Did you hear that? Sounds like someone jumped onto our balcony
Me (in a whisper): Yes
Ma (very very loudly): Kaun Hai??? Who is it??
Me (irritated and loudly): Ma, what the hell makes you think its an English speaking burglar. If he spoke English, he'd be in a call center wouldn't he?
Ma (defensive and weepy): I said in Hindi also!
Me (pacifying but sarcastic): If its a thief, do you honestly think he's going to answer you????
My ma, still sprightly for her age...Climbed on the bed and tried to peep through the window onto the dark balcony to see if she could spot a thief. Since she chose to stand over my hand, there was nothing I could do to help. When I finally managed to get my voice back, I squeeked, "Ma, switch on the bedroom lights..Atleast you'll be able to see outside." Relief poured through my veins as Ma got off my hand and walked over to switch on the light. As our tubelight flickered to life, both of us now peered onto our balcony. We saw nothing. Finally we decided to call it a night. Time - 3:30 AM.
Sleep took over me again, although I was still palpitating at the thought of a burglar in my balcony. Suddenly, there was a loud CRASH and something jumped at the suitcase just behind my headboard...AAAAHHHHH...There was a very loud MEOW and both Ma and I screamed in terror! A cat ladies and gentlemen. A TOM CAT. A BIG BLACK TOM CAT. I don't know who was more scared, the cat or us! The cat streaked out and ran into the other room. Ma and I completely taken aback at this surprise visitor. Time - 4 AM
Ma heard me groan. I reminded her of the ordeal I had to face in just a few hours, and how the lack of beauty sleep was just going to make me cranky. Seeing disaster about to erupt, Ma told me to lie back in bed, cover my face with the quilt and go off to sleep while she hunted out the tom cat.
So while I covered my face, Ma went and got a broom to drive out our midnight intruder. I could hear her thrashing about with the broom. At one point I heard a loud "Stupid Bitch". I couldn't help but smile under the quilt...Evil laughter more likely. As if the expletive wasn't bad enough, Ma started whispering sweet nothings to the tom cat and went "here kitty kitty kitty...Here kitty kitty kitty".
At this point I felt a lumpiness in the quilt. I thought Ma was messing with me. Besides which I wanted to breathe and laugh at the whole "kitty" bit. So I uncovered my head. THE CAT WAS SITTING ON TOP OF ME 2 INCHES AWAY FROM MY FACE.
Tom cat: HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Me: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I quickly covered my face again. Ma ran into the bedroom. The cat got scared and started running up and down my body. I was screaming under the quilt. Ma got into action mode and started trying to hit the "kitty" with the broom. The cat was fast. ma wasn't. She hit me more than the cat. I felt like I was the victim of a village exorcism ceremony. Ma with open hair and broom in hand...Hitting me...Black cat tearing up and down me.
Ma ran and opened the back door to allow the cat to escape. But our kitty wasn't the brightest spark in the woods. He tried to escape from the same window through which he had come. Unfortunately, he was a little too fat to through the sill on the way out. Garfield anyone?
My traumatic night came to an end when the cat finally escaped through the backdoor. Time - 4:45 AM
She'll be back I know. Seeking her vendetta. V for vendetta.
Wake up time - 5:30 AM
Cab pick-up time - 6:15 AM
Presentation time - 11 AM
How did the presentation go?
Well, I don't remember any shoes, and I didn't loose and documents. So that's good news I suppose. I'll find out more when I get my results in April. Maybe at another pseudo PTA meeting!
Friday, March 10, 2006
Continued...
Some time back I was tagged to write a work of fiction. I duly completed the tag here. After the post, some very polite people asked me to continue the story...so I've decided to do so today...See this is what mom was talking about when she said "Be careful what you wish for. You might just get it!"
It was him. There was no mistaking it. He smiled at her then. That same aggravating grin she remembered from all those nights ago. Was it a month back, or a year? It felt just like yesterday. She hadn't been the same since then.
"So, fancy meeting you here", he said. "I wondered where you had dissapeared to. I had got your number from Deepa and called you a few times but I always got the answering machine." She was still thinking of what to say...should she tell him that everytime she came home from work and heard his voice on her machine, she either dropped the laptop bag on her foot and once even accidenlty nuked her cell phone in the microwave. Naah...that hardly gave the right picture considering what had happened.
"Well, I had been a little busy...the company needed me to set up a new office at a foreign location", she replied. "There! Ha!" she thought. "What do you think of that now eh?" Ofcourse there was no point in telling him that the foreign soil was no further than good 'ol Bangladesh. Details hardly mattered.
"So what are you doing here? I thought I recognized the hackles at the back of your neck from a distance..." he asked. "Its a river...with rapids...people usually come here for the rafting. What do you think I'm doing here? Annual reports?" she retorted.
He said "Well you never know..Anyway about the other night...I hope there are no hard feelings." "No hard feelings", she thought, "Sure, for you maybe". Instead she decided to play it cool and said, "Oh absolutely not...these things happen all the time. No big deal. I've hardly given it a thought." "Grapes?" he offered again. "I wasn't kidding about going off Vit C at night you know...Do you know what it can do to you? Atleast as a guy you should avoid it", she said. He seemed to squirm on his rock at that...and looked at the grapes contemplatively...as though wondering if the price of the grapes would be too high. She almost burst out laughing...All grapes did was make her burp a bit...but what the heck. He deserved it.
He: So are you here on an office trip or otherwise?
She: I'm here with some friends
He: Office friends?
She: Yes
He: Boyfriend?
She: None of your business!
He: Oh c'mon...Don't be shy
She: Who are you here with?
He: Oh I'm here with my team
She: Female subordinates?
He: I like to think of them as equals
She: Yea right!
He: Your rock is so much smoother than mine
She: Stay by your rock. I came here first
He: Ok ok...Man...people will think you're some kind of victorian prude
She: Prude? Prude! What the hell! What kind of a nut are you?
He: Actually, speaking of prude, I am a Jane Austen fan. What do you think of Pride and Prejudice?
She: *Asshole...I'm not spoiling my beautiful night by discussing Jane Austen with him under a moonlit sky. Besides all I know of Jane Austen is some movie with Aishwarya and a white guy dancing to some really bad songs*
He: *If she would ony loosen up...I've even pretended to like Jane Austen. What more could a woman want!!*
She: I have to go. Good night
He: Wait. Before you go. There is something I've been wanting to do all evening
Hmm...thinking of 2 possible alternatives now. Will get back to this later.
It was him. There was no mistaking it. He smiled at her then. That same aggravating grin she remembered from all those nights ago. Was it a month back, or a year? It felt just like yesterday. She hadn't been the same since then.
"So, fancy meeting you here", he said. "I wondered where you had dissapeared to. I had got your number from Deepa and called you a few times but I always got the answering machine." She was still thinking of what to say...should she tell him that everytime she came home from work and heard his voice on her machine, she either dropped the laptop bag on her foot and once even accidenlty nuked her cell phone in the microwave. Naah...that hardly gave the right picture considering what had happened.
"Well, I had been a little busy...the company needed me to set up a new office at a foreign location", she replied. "There! Ha!" she thought. "What do you think of that now eh?" Ofcourse there was no point in telling him that the foreign soil was no further than good 'ol Bangladesh. Details hardly mattered.
"So what are you doing here? I thought I recognized the hackles at the back of your neck from a distance..." he asked. "Its a river...with rapids...people usually come here for the rafting. What do you think I'm doing here? Annual reports?" she retorted.
He said "Well you never know..Anyway about the other night...I hope there are no hard feelings." "No hard feelings", she thought, "Sure, for you maybe". Instead she decided to play it cool and said, "Oh absolutely not...these things happen all the time. No big deal. I've hardly given it a thought." "Grapes?" he offered again. "I wasn't kidding about going off Vit C at night you know...Do you know what it can do to you? Atleast as a guy you should avoid it", she said. He seemed to squirm on his rock at that...and looked at the grapes contemplatively...as though wondering if the price of the grapes would be too high. She almost burst out laughing...All grapes did was make her burp a bit...but what the heck. He deserved it.
He: So are you here on an office trip or otherwise?
She: I'm here with some friends
He: Office friends?
She: Yes
He: Boyfriend?
She: None of your business!
He: Oh c'mon...Don't be shy
She: Who are you here with?
He: Oh I'm here with my team
She: Female subordinates?
He: I like to think of them as equals
She: Yea right!
He: Your rock is so much smoother than mine
She: Stay by your rock. I came here first
He: Ok ok...Man...people will think you're some kind of victorian prude
She: Prude? Prude! What the hell! What kind of a nut are you?
He: Actually, speaking of prude, I am a Jane Austen fan. What do you think of Pride and Prejudice?
She: *Asshole...I'm not spoiling my beautiful night by discussing Jane Austen with him under a moonlit sky. Besides all I know of Jane Austen is some movie with Aishwarya and a white guy dancing to some really bad songs*
He: *If she would ony loosen up...I've even pretended to like Jane Austen. What more could a woman want!!*
She: I have to go. Good night
He: Wait. Before you go. There is something I've been wanting to do all evening
Hmm...thinking of 2 possible alternatives now. Will get back to this later.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Tagged, Yet Again
I have been tagged by Lalit to come up with a list of things I hate...I can't believe he would take such a risk!
But since I so admire Lalit and his perseverance, I shall do justice by his tag.
I HATE:
1. Memoirs of a Geisha - I saw it yesterday and I had this heavy cloud of gloom and anger over my head till today morning. Don't get me wrong...Its not the concept of women servicing men in this movie that bothers me...maybe the Japs do it and so its their business. Its the idea that a 30 yr old man can develop feelings for an 8 yr old girl. That he takes her under his wing and lets her grow up to be a Geisha. And despite being in love with her, he lets her virginity be auctioned...C'MON !!
2. Mamma's Boys - It seems very cute when a guy will tell you how he adores his mother. You think, well...atleast he knows how to respect women. But nothing bugs me more than a grown man who needs to seek permission from his mother for everything. Love her yes...but do you have to "love" her? Be a man and learn to make your own decisions too every once in a while.
3. People Who Are Rude to Servers and Hosts at Restaurants - This category of people truly anger me. The person serving you is just serving you...that does not make him/her your servant. A little respect won't hurt. And if you still insist on being rude...be ready to savor your dish with a seasoning of spit!
4. Bosses From Hell - When I say boss from hell, I don't mean the boss who expects you to work late or pick up their laundry. I mean the boss who will pester you for dinner and will offer to drive you home at 10 PM even though you can take company transport. I mean the boss who will pay you embarrasing compliments at important meetings, and who will mis-use a position of power and responsibility to seek special "favours". Ideal solution is to just puncture the wheels of the Lexus when he is not looking...well, either that, or post his pic and cell number at a men-seeking-men-for-sex site.
5. The New Budget - PC has really gone and done it this time. He's now taxing us every time we use a debit/credit card to pay for anything. He's also taxing us if we withdraw 10 grand or more from our ATMs. Wait a second...pretty soon we'll go back in time to the days of Sholay and we'll all have our own personal munshi ji. What the fuck man! Its my money...you are already taxing my income and every bloody thing I buy. Now you want to tax me to withdraw my own money? What am I supposed to do now? Carry 2000 bucks with me everywhere if I need to go buy groceries? Ofcourse if I get mugged and murdered for my money, I will be told I should have been more careful and was probably asking for it by carrying around so much cash. C'mon PC...I was expecting better than this regressive move.
6. The Vagaries of the Indian Justice System - Jessica Lal was murdered at a party infront of more than a 100 people. Witnesses were threatened, and today the accused have walked scot-free and one even runs a night club. Yes we are all protesting, but for how long can this mockery of the legal system continue? A medical student from MAMC was raped in broad daylight, the culprits were arrested and then released. Does any one know what happened to them? Every one knows what happened in Godhra. Yet the accused have not been brought to justice. If these lunatics want to fight wars to prove their religion is better, what better way to do it than rape and murder little girls right??
7. Delhi Auto Wallahs - These guys have their own mob scene going on. As soon as you step out of a mall, a hoard of them will descend on you like a swarm of locusts. They are better off than most of us; some even carry 2 cell phones. The cell phones are snazzier than mine. They are so choosy they will refuse to take you early morning when you are rushing to your bus stop. They will refuse to go by meter. And when you do sit in the auto, they will "adjust" the mirror so they can leer at you throughout your journey.
That's my lucky seven for the day. There is so much more to hate...but really...what is the point right?
I am tagging Safari Al, methinks, mind curry, and vaibhav.
But since I so admire Lalit and his perseverance, I shall do justice by his tag.
I HATE:
1. Memoirs of a Geisha - I saw it yesterday and I had this heavy cloud of gloom and anger over my head till today morning. Don't get me wrong...Its not the concept of women servicing men in this movie that bothers me...maybe the Japs do it and so its their business. Its the idea that a 30 yr old man can develop feelings for an 8 yr old girl. That he takes her under his wing and lets her grow up to be a Geisha. And despite being in love with her, he lets her virginity be auctioned...C'MON !!
2. Mamma's Boys - It seems very cute when a guy will tell you how he adores his mother. You think, well...atleast he knows how to respect women. But nothing bugs me more than a grown man who needs to seek permission from his mother for everything. Love her yes...but do you have to "love" her? Be a man and learn to make your own decisions too every once in a while.
3. People Who Are Rude to Servers and Hosts at Restaurants - This category of people truly anger me. The person serving you is just serving you...that does not make him/her your servant. A little respect won't hurt. And if you still insist on being rude...be ready to savor your dish with a seasoning of spit!
4. Bosses From Hell - When I say boss from hell, I don't mean the boss who expects you to work late or pick up their laundry. I mean the boss who will pester you for dinner and will offer to drive you home at 10 PM even though you can take company transport. I mean the boss who will pay you embarrasing compliments at important meetings, and who will mis-use a position of power and responsibility to seek special "favours". Ideal solution is to just puncture the wheels of the Lexus when he is not looking...well, either that, or post his pic and cell number at a men-seeking-men-for-sex site.
5. The New Budget - PC has really gone and done it this time. He's now taxing us every time we use a debit/credit card to pay for anything. He's also taxing us if we withdraw 10 grand or more from our ATMs. Wait a second...pretty soon we'll go back in time to the days of Sholay and we'll all have our own personal munshi ji. What the fuck man! Its my money...you are already taxing my income and every bloody thing I buy. Now you want to tax me to withdraw my own money? What am I supposed to do now? Carry 2000 bucks with me everywhere if I need to go buy groceries? Ofcourse if I get mugged and murdered for my money, I will be told I should have been more careful and was probably asking for it by carrying around so much cash. C'mon PC...I was expecting better than this regressive move.
6. The Vagaries of the Indian Justice System - Jessica Lal was murdered at a party infront of more than a 100 people. Witnesses were threatened, and today the accused have walked scot-free and one even runs a night club. Yes we are all protesting, but for how long can this mockery of the legal system continue? A medical student from MAMC was raped in broad daylight, the culprits were arrested and then released. Does any one know what happened to them? Every one knows what happened in Godhra. Yet the accused have not been brought to justice. If these lunatics want to fight wars to prove their religion is better, what better way to do it than rape and murder little girls right??
7. Delhi Auto Wallahs - These guys have their own mob scene going on. As soon as you step out of a mall, a hoard of them will descend on you like a swarm of locusts. They are better off than most of us; some even carry 2 cell phones. The cell phones are snazzier than mine. They are so choosy they will refuse to take you early morning when you are rushing to your bus stop. They will refuse to go by meter. And when you do sit in the auto, they will "adjust" the mirror so they can leer at you throughout your journey.
That's my lucky seven for the day. There is so much more to hate...but really...what is the point right?
I am tagging Safari Al, methinks, mind curry, and vaibhav.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Men...Ummmm
Owing to my last post, a lot of my friends/readers thought that perhaps I was one of 'em bra-burning feminists, who hate men, and everything they stand for (or everything that stands for them). That is hardly close to the truth because I quite like men. Infact I like them better than a lot things like bird flu, rodent plague etc...
I've been challenged to write atleast 10 things I like about men (without invoking the license to dream), without drinking, and without repeating myself. Ha I say to the challenge. Here goes:
1. I truly like the way men love little boys (NO, I do not mean like MJ). I just admire how they try to teach little boys tricks like how to turn cartwheels, how to hold a cricket bat, how to deal with rejection from girls...Its actually quite endearing.
2. I admire how men will not try and analyze every action, word, and gesture to death. If a woman shrugs her shoulder when the man says "So baby waddya think of em jeans eh?" the man will think "Oh great..Woo hoo..she wants me!!" Imagine what would happen if the sexes in this situation were reversed. Since I don't want to repeat myself, you can read the results here. Bottomline, men are definitely less stressed out than women and enjoy life more than we do. Why they die more of heart disease than women is a multi-million dollar research industry. Perhaps all those years of not telling us whether the turquoise silk looks better or the mauve chiffon finally catch up with them?
3. That men make better bosses is a world famous phenomenon. Most male bosses tend to be more sympathetic and understanding. Yes, they do tend to stare at Thelma and Louise, but then its either that or the hell bitch who will not let you take the day off that time of the month. I don't like dissing women bosses coz I have had some great ones, but somehow opposite sex boss-subordinate relationships work better. Don't ask me why. That would be probably be another blog.
4. Men are adorable when they are shy and in love. Try remembering how your guy pal's kid brother behaved moonily when he had a crush on you. How about that geek in school, who looked up from his Organic Chemistry book only long enough to spot you? Sure back then you laughed, but now he is probably an IIM graduate, working some high-flying job, and loves his wife and 3 kids. Guess who is having the last laugh?
5. Men go to puddles when we cry. It doesn't matter if we are sisters, friends, "rakhi sisters", mothers, whatever. Good men cannot stand to see us cry. They tend to do irrational things to get us to stop. This includes making a fool of themselves, or going and hitting the people who made us cry in the first place. Barring all this, nothing consoles a case of the weepies better than a pair of good guy arms. No point even trying to deny this. I know I know it seems like this is ammunination I'm handing over to the male bastion, but don't worry, I still have a couple of tricks up my sleeve.
6. Men are forever confused by women and we can get away with anything. Says cramps, menstruation...and see them run for cover. But my personal favourite is how they are so sure they think of you as a "rakhi sister" till 8th grade. However as soon as 9th grade comes (for some late bloomers 10th grade), its like a little bomb goes off and they realize their feelings are anything but brotherly. This is also the stage when they will start carrying your fat books and help you out with dissections in Biology.
7. Men have the most convinient neck space. No massage chair can come even close. God was very intelligent when he made that space between their chin/jaw and shoulder just so a girl's head could fit in there. This is especially useful when you are watching the Matrix for the nth time. Also useful after that last fight you had with mom over your curfew time.
8. Men smell good. No not all. But mostly they do. That familiar fragrance of Old Spice, and even the new age Ax Effect, do strange and wonderful things to our hormones.
9. Men will never remember that 4 years ago, when his mami's cousin sister gave you a saree, you didn't appear thankful enough. The off side to this is that they will forget the anniversary when you held hands for the first time. Men have the task of remembering some 5000 dates that commemorate your relationship. They will forget 4999 of these dates, but will go all out to make it up to you. This includes wine, candle lit dinners, diamonds, and other unspeakable joys.
10. It isn't exactly heart-melting when they check out other women infront of us, but when we catch them red-handed at it and call them out, that sheepish smile makes our stern expression so tough to maintain. Once again, they will go all out to make it up to you.
11. The way men look just after they wake up is another heart-melting moment. Hair typically resembles a gollywog, and their not so sunny termperament makes them so cuddlable.
OK...I was told 10, and I came up with 11. The extra one to let everyone know just how much I don't hate men. Convinced?
I've been challenged to write atleast 10 things I like about men (without invoking the license to dream), without drinking, and without repeating myself. Ha I say to the challenge. Here goes:
1. I truly like the way men love little boys (NO, I do not mean like MJ). I just admire how they try to teach little boys tricks like how to turn cartwheels, how to hold a cricket bat, how to deal with rejection from girls...Its actually quite endearing.
2. I admire how men will not try and analyze every action, word, and gesture to death. If a woman shrugs her shoulder when the man says "So baby waddya think of em jeans eh?" the man will think "Oh great..Woo hoo..she wants me!!" Imagine what would happen if the sexes in this situation were reversed. Since I don't want to repeat myself, you can read the results here. Bottomline, men are definitely less stressed out than women and enjoy life more than we do. Why they die more of heart disease than women is a multi-million dollar research industry. Perhaps all those years of not telling us whether the turquoise silk looks better or the mauve chiffon finally catch up with them?
3. That men make better bosses is a world famous phenomenon. Most male bosses tend to be more sympathetic and understanding. Yes, they do tend to stare at Thelma and Louise, but then its either that or the hell bitch who will not let you take the day off that time of the month. I don't like dissing women bosses coz I have had some great ones, but somehow opposite sex boss-subordinate relationships work better. Don't ask me why. That would be probably be another blog.
4. Men are adorable when they are shy and in love. Try remembering how your guy pal's kid brother behaved moonily when he had a crush on you. How about that geek in school, who looked up from his Organic Chemistry book only long enough to spot you? Sure back then you laughed, but now he is probably an IIM graduate, working some high-flying job, and loves his wife and 3 kids. Guess who is having the last laugh?
5. Men go to puddles when we cry. It doesn't matter if we are sisters, friends, "rakhi sisters", mothers, whatever. Good men cannot stand to see us cry. They tend to do irrational things to get us to stop. This includes making a fool of themselves, or going and hitting the people who made us cry in the first place. Barring all this, nothing consoles a case of the weepies better than a pair of good guy arms. No point even trying to deny this. I know I know it seems like this is ammunination I'm handing over to the male bastion, but don't worry, I still have a couple of tricks up my sleeve.
6. Men are forever confused by women and we can get away with anything. Says cramps, menstruation...and see them run for cover. But my personal favourite is how they are so sure they think of you as a "rakhi sister" till 8th grade. However as soon as 9th grade comes (for some late bloomers 10th grade), its like a little bomb goes off and they realize their feelings are anything but brotherly. This is also the stage when they will start carrying your fat books and help you out with dissections in Biology.
7. Men have the most convinient neck space. No massage chair can come even close. God was very intelligent when he made that space between their chin/jaw and shoulder just so a girl's head could fit in there. This is especially useful when you are watching the Matrix for the nth time. Also useful after that last fight you had with mom over your curfew time.
8. Men smell good. No not all. But mostly they do. That familiar fragrance of Old Spice, and even the new age Ax Effect, do strange and wonderful things to our hormones.
9. Men will never remember that 4 years ago, when his mami's cousin sister gave you a saree, you didn't appear thankful enough. The off side to this is that they will forget the anniversary when you held hands for the first time. Men have the task of remembering some 5000 dates that commemorate your relationship. They will forget 4999 of these dates, but will go all out to make it up to you. This includes wine, candle lit dinners, diamonds, and other unspeakable joys.
10. It isn't exactly heart-melting when they check out other women infront of us, but when we catch them red-handed at it and call them out, that sheepish smile makes our stern expression so tough to maintain. Once again, they will go all out to make it up to you.
11. The way men look just after they wake up is another heart-melting moment. Hair typically resembles a gollywog, and their not so sunny termperament makes them so cuddlable.
OK...I was told 10, and I came up with 11. The extra one to let everyone know just how much I don't hate men. Convinced?
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
The World Through Bad-Alcohol-Tinted Glasses
Warning: Do not ever ever consume a cocktail called Regent Punch at Days of the Raj. You're safer drinking recycled sewer water. The result is a bad headache and this post. I wrote it, but didn't post it because I wanted to read what it would be like once I was sober...In any case, I'm posting it here without any changes because I thought it made interesting "rambling" reading, and I figured these must be things that are really bothering me.
*This post was written under the influence of some very bad alcohol. Reader discretion is advised. Any resemblance to individuals living or dead is likely to be true since drunks cannot lie. Any disputes arising from this post are to be raised in my toilet where they will be flushed down like soiled toilet paper.
1. Why does Saddam Hussain get suits stiched by some designer dude in Turkey. I mean what the fuck... you kill like a few million people and live like a king...and at the end of your life, you go around wearing designer suits and complain that you aren't being treated well in jail. If Bush could go around bombing lil kids accidently, why the hell couldn't they just shoot Saddam accidently too??
2. What is it with ex boyfriends? I mean, they talk about wanting to move on and being friends and talking about everything. But when the girl starts dating, they get all "aww....but i can't sleep...but i can't eat...waahhh.." Basically traslated that means "aww...im a whiner...im a loser...waahhh.." Am I cold hearted bitch? Hell ya!! Especially when I find out someone I trusted stabbed me in the back and had cheated on me. Dude, you deserve everything you're getting right now and are about to get!
3. Why can men and women not stand each other?? I mean, I've met so many who have the same complain. Men marry expecting their women will not change but they do. And women marry expecting that their men will change but they don't. Since this is a common saying, I know its been around since Adam, so why the hell can't men look for women expecting change, and women look for men, who they don't feel like changing?
4. Why do men always say that women think so much? Would you prefer if the world was full of blondes whose idea of thinking was just deciding whether to wear the pink thong or the green one? Actually, don't answer that...No point.
5. Why do women get so confused with what they want from a guy? We all know that the perfect guy does not exist. Yet we have laundry lists of what we want from a guy...Yes he should be loving and kind... I mean c'mon...I didn't exactly expect any female to want an alcoholic wife beating shit head! So isnt it easier to just list the qualities you can live without? And please note, I said qualities.
6. Why do men want virgins only? And this is a phenomenon that apparently exists all over the world. My girlfriends in the US keep telling me that guys there are crazy about Indian girls. They feel Indian chicks are more moral (read virgins). At the same time, all guys want one thing only...my grandmother told me so. Men want great girls who they can have sex with, without having to marry (some guys are willing and even keen to have sex even with not-so-great girls, but I won't count them in here). And men want great girls to marry as well. So if all the great girls have sex with the guys, then where are all the virgins left for marriage?? Math was never my strong suit, having scored 19/100 in class 11th, but this equation certainly boggles the mind. And why would any self-respecting female admit to being a virgin/non-virgin anyway? I mean, you're damned if you're a 24 year old virgin, but you're damned worse if you're a 24 year old non-virgin.
7. Why does my best friend, a guy, have softer, straighter hair than I do? He fucking even has longer eye lashes. Where is the justice in that?
8. When a girl I know has to register for a famous matrimonial site buckling under family pressure (and this is a phenomenon solely for girls), why is it that all the weirdos approach only her. Is it some sort of a special query run on the database? Or is it like one weird homing signal that this unnamed girl has buried under her skin?
9. When you decide that you would like to work in the international market, and figure that with your credentials, they would be happy to have you, you find out its one fucking chicken and egg story. And we all know what happens to the chickens and eggs. I mean they will give you a job if you have a work permit, but you can get a work permit only if you have a job. My condolences to Laxmi Mittal.
10. Why do most lists have 10 points...what is that all about? In my current mood, I think I will be different. 9 points is all!
Thank you blogger for spell check.
*This post was written under the influence of some very bad alcohol. Reader discretion is advised. Any resemblance to individuals living or dead is likely to be true since drunks cannot lie. Any disputes arising from this post are to be raised in my toilet where they will be flushed down like soiled toilet paper.
1. Why does Saddam Hussain get suits stiched by some designer dude in Turkey. I mean what the fuck... you kill like a few million people and live like a king...and at the end of your life, you go around wearing designer suits and complain that you aren't being treated well in jail. If Bush could go around bombing lil kids accidently, why the hell couldn't they just shoot Saddam accidently too??
2. What is it with ex boyfriends? I mean, they talk about wanting to move on and being friends and talking about everything. But when the girl starts dating, they get all "aww....but i can't sleep...but i can't eat...waahhh.." Basically traslated that means "aww...im a whiner...im a loser...waahhh.." Am I cold hearted bitch? Hell ya!! Especially when I find out someone I trusted stabbed me in the back and had cheated on me. Dude, you deserve everything you're getting right now and are about to get!
3. Why can men and women not stand each other?? I mean, I've met so many who have the same complain. Men marry expecting their women will not change but they do. And women marry expecting that their men will change but they don't. Since this is a common saying, I know its been around since Adam, so why the hell can't men look for women expecting change, and women look for men, who they don't feel like changing?
4. Why do men always say that women think so much? Would you prefer if the world was full of blondes whose idea of thinking was just deciding whether to wear the pink thong or the green one? Actually, don't answer that...No point.
5. Why do women get so confused with what they want from a guy? We all know that the perfect guy does not exist. Yet we have laundry lists of what we want from a guy...Yes he should be loving and kind... I mean c'mon...I didn't exactly expect any female to want an alcoholic wife beating shit head! So isnt it easier to just list the qualities you can live without? And please note, I said qualities.
6. Why do men want virgins only? And this is a phenomenon that apparently exists all over the world. My girlfriends in the US keep telling me that guys there are crazy about Indian girls. They feel Indian chicks are more moral (read virgins). At the same time, all guys want one thing only...my grandmother told me so. Men want great girls who they can have sex with, without having to marry (some guys are willing and even keen to have sex even with not-so-great girls, but I won't count them in here). And men want great girls to marry as well. So if all the great girls have sex with the guys, then where are all the virgins left for marriage?? Math was never my strong suit, having scored 19/100 in class 11th, but this equation certainly boggles the mind. And why would any self-respecting female admit to being a virgin/non-virgin anyway? I mean, you're damned if you're a 24 year old virgin, but you're damned worse if you're a 24 year old non-virgin.
7. Why does my best friend, a guy, have softer, straighter hair than I do? He fucking even has longer eye lashes. Where is the justice in that?
8. When a girl I know has to register for a famous matrimonial site buckling under family pressure (and this is a phenomenon solely for girls), why is it that all the weirdos approach only her. Is it some sort of a special query run on the database? Or is it like one weird homing signal that this unnamed girl has buried under her skin?
9. When you decide that you would like to work in the international market, and figure that with your credentials, they would be happy to have you, you find out its one fucking chicken and egg story. And we all know what happens to the chickens and eggs. I mean they will give you a job if you have a work permit, but you can get a work permit only if you have a job. My condolences to Laxmi Mittal.
10. Why do most lists have 10 points...what is that all about? In my current mood, I think I will be different. 9 points is all!
Thank you blogger for spell check.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Twenty Point Someone?
Hey people,
Lalit had tried to leave a post on the Comments section of my previous post! Unfortunately, Blogger wasn't too impressed and removed the comment on my behalf, but without my consent!! No problemo...
What Lalit posted sruck a cord in me. I'm sure by now it's a well travelled forward, but just incase it isn't, I'm pasting it here for everyone to read.
"Being Twenty-Something"
They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.
One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. Send this to your twenty something friends.... maybe it will help someone feel like they aren't alone in their state of confusion.....
GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF US :)
Thanks Lalit!
Lalit had tried to leave a post on the Comments section of my previous post! Unfortunately, Blogger wasn't too impressed and removed the comment on my behalf, but without my consent!! No problemo...
What Lalit posted sruck a cord in me. I'm sure by now it's a well travelled forward, but just incase it isn't, I'm pasting it here for everyone to read.
"Being Twenty-Something"
They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.
One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. Send this to your twenty something friends.... maybe it will help someone feel like they aren't alone in their state of confusion.....
GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF US :)
Thanks Lalit!
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Compliments of a Dangerous Mind
I was sitting with a group of friends today and we discussing the kind of compliments we get from time to time. Conversation started as such, when someone dropped by and "complimented" yours truly by saying "Nice hair. It makes you look thinner."
Umm....Thanks?? I guess...
It got the rest of us talking on some of the more strange compliments we receive. And ofcourse the compliments that men bestow upon us especially when they don't know better!
My eccentric brit accented neighbour is one of those men who are scared of women, and what we may ask of him! He's a bit of an ascetic too. Often the women in my team will walk upto him and ask him to comment on their mehendi, clothes, nail paint and the lot. Not to be left behind, I went to him one morning, quite happy with myself for having used a new glittery eye shadow, and asked him what he thought of it. He carefully looked at my eyelids and then remarked, "I was wondering earlier if it was sand on your eyes."
And she huffed and she puffed and she blew away his entire stock pile of fake medical bills...
Many have heard the urban legend of the man who took a moment too long before answering his wife/girlfriend when she asked lovingly, "Darling, do these pants make me look fat?" Legend has it that all men who commit this blunder never reach heaven, or for that matter, hell. They all languish somewhere between the mortal and immortal worlds. They get no beer and no sex. Oh and no chocolates or cricket either.
Among the other strange compliments I have received, I was once told I look like Shahrukh Khan. I truly didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I assure everyone that I look nothing like the Bollywood actor.
Now tell me this wonderful people - if a guy is driving a girl home, and drives at the speed of 10 miles an hour on a road that can take about 60 miles an hour - is that a compliment or an insult? And if he continues to talk to her even after reaching her house...till she reaches the door...and switces off the porch lights?
Umm....Thanks?? I guess...
It got the rest of us talking on some of the more strange compliments we receive. And ofcourse the compliments that men bestow upon us especially when they don't know better!
My eccentric brit accented neighbour is one of those men who are scared of women, and what we may ask of him! He's a bit of an ascetic too. Often the women in my team will walk upto him and ask him to comment on their mehendi, clothes, nail paint and the lot. Not to be left behind, I went to him one morning, quite happy with myself for having used a new glittery eye shadow, and asked him what he thought of it. He carefully looked at my eyelids and then remarked, "I was wondering earlier if it was sand on your eyes."
And she huffed and she puffed and she blew away his entire stock pile of fake medical bills...
Many have heard the urban legend of the man who took a moment too long before answering his wife/girlfriend when she asked lovingly, "Darling, do these pants make me look fat?" Legend has it that all men who commit this blunder never reach heaven, or for that matter, hell. They all languish somewhere between the mortal and immortal worlds. They get no beer and no sex. Oh and no chocolates or cricket either.
Among the other strange compliments I have received, I was once told I look like Shahrukh Khan. I truly didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I assure everyone that I look nothing like the Bollywood actor.
Now tell me this wonderful people - if a guy is driving a girl home, and drives at the speed of 10 miles an hour on a road that can take about 60 miles an hour - is that a compliment or an insult? And if he continues to talk to her even after reaching her house...till she reaches the door...and switces off the porch lights?
Friday, January 27, 2006
I'm it!
Yes people. Its your favourite 24 year old on the prowl again..meeeeoowww...or wait...is it supposed to be gggrrrhhhhh.... well, whichever!
The Girl Who Sold the World tagged me and I'm it. My task: to create a lucid work of fiction or fact (well, knowing my love for it) of 100-200 (yea right!) words using these words: I, me, blowjob, grapes, random, power, loneliness, water, robot, and blue. They've to be used just once. Now I just need to think of creative ways to use these words ;-D Ha with "blowjob" in there I just wonder how creative I can get! So here goes...
She sat on the rock by the stream. The water was gently passing over the rocks. Smoothening them as it had been for years. The sky was mid night blue. She couldn't help feeling a wave of loneliness sweep over her. She wondered if she could ever find a mate who was as much a constant as the stream was to the rocks on its bed. Ofcourse the stream did run dry every couple of years when the rain fell short! But then, there is only so much one could hope for. That's when she noticed a dark figure walking towards her from the neighbouring camp. "Probably some random corporate romeo type", she thought. He was holding something in his hands. He came, sat next to her and offered her what was in his hands, "Grapes?" "No thanks, I don't take vitamin C after 9 PM." she answered curtly. "People these days are on the strangest diets", he started off..."Me, well, yours truly believes in having whatever is available." She couldn't even see him in the darkness, and he was already pissing her off. "Probably hoping for a good lay or a blowjob" is all she could think.
She wished to be left with her melancholic thoughts, stemming from a childhood of Barbie and Ken, and teen years of Mills and Boons. She did not respond and sat there like a robot, hoping the stanger would get the message. However he seemed almost as unperceptive as HR. Suddenly there was lighting. The sheer power of the single bolt lit the sky. Scared witless for a minute, she leaned towards the stranger, chanced a look upon his face...and froze..."Oh my God...it can't be...it's not possible!"
OK, I'm out of words...paisa hazam, kahani khatam as my grand mom would often say.
The Girl Who Sold the World tagged me and I'm it. My task: to create a lucid work of fiction or fact (well, knowing my love for it) of 100-200 (yea right!) words using these words: I, me, blowjob, grapes, random, power, loneliness, water, robot, and blue. They've to be used just once. Now I just need to think of creative ways to use these words ;-D Ha with "blowjob" in there I just wonder how creative I can get! So here goes...
She sat on the rock by the stream. The water was gently passing over the rocks. Smoothening them as it had been for years. The sky was mid night blue. She couldn't help feeling a wave of loneliness sweep over her. She wondered if she could ever find a mate who was as much a constant as the stream was to the rocks on its bed. Ofcourse the stream did run dry every couple of years when the rain fell short! But then, there is only so much one could hope for. That's when she noticed a dark figure walking towards her from the neighbouring camp. "Probably some random corporate romeo type", she thought. He was holding something in his hands. He came, sat next to her and offered her what was in his hands, "Grapes?" "No thanks, I don't take vitamin C after 9 PM." she answered curtly. "People these days are on the strangest diets", he started off..."Me, well, yours truly believes in having whatever is available." She couldn't even see him in the darkness, and he was already pissing her off. "Probably hoping for a good lay or a blowjob" is all she could think.
She wished to be left with her melancholic thoughts, stemming from a childhood of Barbie and Ken, and teen years of Mills and Boons. She did not respond and sat there like a robot, hoping the stanger would get the message. However he seemed almost as unperceptive as HR. Suddenly there was lighting. The sheer power of the single bolt lit the sky. Scared witless for a minute, she leaned towards the stranger, chanced a look upon his face...and froze..."Oh my God...it can't be...it's not possible!"
OK, I'm out of words...paisa hazam, kahani khatam as my grand mom would often say.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Losing It
Its happened. I was afraid about it from the very beginning. I had heard it was painful. I was worried what scars it may leave behind after it was all over. I had been told it got better over time.
But I must say...it was't as bad as I thought it would be. I was so scared and I realized that feeling scared may stop me from enjoying it. So I let go of my inhibitions. Stopped worrying about everything. I relaxed myself...and believe me...while there was a bit of pain initially... once I got into the groove, it was mostly pleasure.
No I didn't get a tattoo (isn't that what you were wondering *fluttering eylashes*). It was my birthday. 24th to be exact. And guess what. It was a lot of fun. No. My bones haven't suddenly crumbled. I don't have wrinkles. No grey hair. As a wise friend at work was trying to tell me, I suddenly realize, I'm in the prime of my youth, I earn well (if HR reads this, I earn pittance!!), I work well, I'm single, attractive, reasonably funny, and I can be with any one I want.
Thanks P and D for the great fun last night. You're good friends.
And to everyone who has read this blog over the past half a year, posted comments, mailed me, and generally made my day, you're all fantastic people and wonderful writers.
Happy Birthday To Me.
But I must say...it was't as bad as I thought it would be. I was so scared and I realized that feeling scared may stop me from enjoying it. So I let go of my inhibitions. Stopped worrying about everything. I relaxed myself...and believe me...while there was a bit of pain initially... once I got into the groove, it was mostly pleasure.
No I didn't get a tattoo (isn't that what you were wondering *fluttering eylashes*). It was my birthday. 24th to be exact. And guess what. It was a lot of fun. No. My bones haven't suddenly crumbled. I don't have wrinkles. No grey hair. As a wise friend at work was trying to tell me, I suddenly realize, I'm in the prime of my youth, I earn well (if HR reads this, I earn pittance!!), I work well, I'm single, attractive, reasonably funny, and I can be with any one I want.
Thanks P and D for the great fun last night. You're good friends.
And to everyone who has read this blog over the past half a year, posted comments, mailed me, and generally made my day, you're all fantastic people and wonderful writers.
Happy Birthday To Me.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Friday the 13th
When I titled this post, I was not thinking of the strange, somewhat scary connotations associated with the date thanks to Jason and gang. The title actually had no point.
Now that we've moved beyond that, let me share with you the highlights of my week.
Monday:
Ran from home to bus stop. Nearly missed office bus. Sat with a new hot guy. Witnessed two accidents on the way to Gurgaon. Started talking with hot guy about the rise in accidents during winters (its amazing how something as morbid as accidents can help you strike a conversation with someone!). In the evening, ran from office to bus stop. Nearly missed office bus. Sat by myself. Noticed new guy sitting at the back. Smiled politely. New guy came to my seat, asked if someone was sittng with me, and then sat with me. Discussed state of Delhi, favorite hangouts, professional aspirations. Yours truly was quite happy at having her faith re-affirmed in the possibility of divine intervention and availability of hot eligible young men in the capital. Nearly missed getting off at the right bus stop for home.
Tuesday:
Ran from home to bus stop. Nearly missed office bus. New guy was sitting by himself. When guy ahead of me tried to sit next to new guy, new guy told him seat was saved. Then smiled at me, said had saved seat for yours truly. Hallelujah!! For once was not tempted to sleep on the way to office and catch an extra hour of shut eye. In the evening, ran from office to bus stop. Nearly missed office bus. Sat by myself. Noticed new guy sitting at the back. Smiled politely. New guy came to my seat, asked if someone was sittng with me, and then sat with me. Dejavu anyone? Discussed new guy's work with ye corporate Gods. Hmm...strange. New guy seems so enthusiastic. Not what I'd expect from someone who has been a slave as long as I think he's been one. Still shared an amazing conversation. Discovered common love of cars (SUVs in particular) and bikes. We even watch the same TV shows!! New dangly earrings fell in bus. Gawd knows how. New guy helped me search them all over bus. People stared, but did he stop? Nay siree. Nearly missed getting off at the right bus stop for home again. Found the earring stuck somewhere in my sweater. Found new guy. Found lost earrings. This is definitely my week !
Wednesday:
Whole day spent in training. Did not see new guy morning or evening. What else can I say?
Thursday:
Ran from home to bus stop. Nearly missed office bus. New guy was sitting by himself. Smiled and said, I've saved a seat for you. Whew !! I suddenly realized I knew nothing of what new guy did professionally. So I asked. Was expecting a response like - manager, asst manager, CA, well, something like that. New guy told me this was his first job. He passed out of college last year. WAT THE FUK !! I passed out like 3 years ago... So that would make me...OHMIGOD....OLDER THAN HIM !! Pardon me if that took the wind out of my sails. In the evening, ran from office to bus stop. Nearly missed office bus. Sat by myself. New guy came to my seat, asked if someone was sittng with me, and then sat with me. Started asking my advice about the company, MBA options - OH GOD...he thinks of me as his MENTOR!! arrrggghhh. Deep breaths...deep breaths...counted to 10, then counted to 20. Meanwhile new guy was telling me about some club a buddy of his has opened in Delhi. Said he could tell me about some live rock performances over the weekend...you know, by calling on the mobile nmber he doesn't yet have. Yours truly smiled sadly...Let new guy know that 24th bday is just around the corner. Another week to be exact. Figured he'll realize I'm a hag and leave me alone. New guy just smiles and wants to know my birthday plans. Whoa! Missed getting off at correct bus stop for home. C'mon, can you blame me??
Friday:
Ran from home to bus stop. Missed office bus. Got a second office bus. Had to stand for half and hour. Slept for another half and hour when a seat finally became available. Reached office refreshed. Entered work bay. New guy strolls over to say hi. Wait a minute...I didn't tell him where I sit. Talks about the band performance. Takes my number to inform me about it over the weekend. When he leaves, I dance over to eccentric brit neighbour and tell him how I enjoy the sheer innocence and exuberance of younger guys. How sweet they are. And how new hot guy is totally innocent and harmless (well, I thought he was!). Eccentric brit (also wily old man) points out how my "innocent" young friend had managed to get a mobile number and permission to call on the weekend. I am amazed at the smoothness of it all. I feel old and dumb. Speak to work girlfriend later. She tells me I should feel flattered and happy. After all, I am now the old wine. Old wine at 24. Sigh. I tell her, old wine is ok. What if I'm rancid wine! She bursts out laughing. So do I. Suddenly we realize this would be a great line in the blog and I quickly write it down lest I forget it due to my advancing years. Yes, I know. I need to get a life. In the evening, ran from office to bus stop. Couldn't find office bus. New guy calls me and says bus is about to leave, and he is holding it up for me. I run to bus. Sit with new guy and try very hard not to let him see how out of breath I am. I remember the bus stop this time. I guess the facination is over.
Saturday:
Sleep. Get hair cut. Shop. Have girlie night out. At night mum tells me she went to buy Harpic. The shopkeeper showed her 4 bottles and said it now comes in 4 "flavours"! Get a giggle attack.
Sunday:
Write about my week. Start giggling again. Cannot stop. Hope I don't miss the bus tomorrow morning :-D
Now that we've moved beyond that, let me share with you the highlights of my week.
Monday:
Ran from home to bus stop. Nearly missed office bus. Sat with a new hot guy. Witnessed two accidents on the way to Gurgaon. Started talking with hot guy about the rise in accidents during winters (its amazing how something as morbid as accidents can help you strike a conversation with someone!). In the evening, ran from office to bus stop. Nearly missed office bus. Sat by myself. Noticed new guy sitting at the back. Smiled politely. New guy came to my seat, asked if someone was sittng with me, and then sat with me. Discussed state of Delhi, favorite hangouts, professional aspirations. Yours truly was quite happy at having her faith re-affirmed in the possibility of divine intervention and availability of hot eligible young men in the capital. Nearly missed getting off at the right bus stop for home.
Tuesday:
Ran from home to bus stop. Nearly missed office bus. New guy was sitting by himself. When guy ahead of me tried to sit next to new guy, new guy told him seat was saved. Then smiled at me, said had saved seat for yours truly. Hallelujah!! For once was not tempted to sleep on the way to office and catch an extra hour of shut eye. In the evening, ran from office to bus stop. Nearly missed office bus. Sat by myself. Noticed new guy sitting at the back. Smiled politely. New guy came to my seat, asked if someone was sittng with me, and then sat with me. Dejavu anyone? Discussed new guy's work with ye corporate Gods. Hmm...strange. New guy seems so enthusiastic. Not what I'd expect from someone who has been a slave as long as I think he's been one. Still shared an amazing conversation. Discovered common love of cars (SUVs in particular) and bikes. We even watch the same TV shows!! New dangly earrings fell in bus. Gawd knows how. New guy helped me search them all over bus. People stared, but did he stop? Nay siree. Nearly missed getting off at the right bus stop for home again. Found the earring stuck somewhere in my sweater. Found new guy. Found lost earrings. This is definitely my week !
Wednesday:
Whole day spent in training. Did not see new guy morning or evening. What else can I say?
Thursday:
Ran from home to bus stop. Nearly missed office bus. New guy was sitting by himself. Smiled and said, I've saved a seat for you. Whew !! I suddenly realized I knew nothing of what new guy did professionally. So I asked. Was expecting a response like - manager, asst manager, CA, well, something like that. New guy told me this was his first job. He passed out of college last year. WAT THE FUK !! I passed out like 3 years ago... So that would make me...OHMIGOD....OLDER THAN HIM !! Pardon me if that took the wind out of my sails. In the evening, ran from office to bus stop. Nearly missed office bus. Sat by myself. New guy came to my seat, asked if someone was sittng with me, and then sat with me. Started asking my advice about the company, MBA options - OH GOD...he thinks of me as his MENTOR!! arrrggghhh. Deep breaths...deep breaths...counted to 10, then counted to 20. Meanwhile new guy was telling me about some club a buddy of his has opened in Delhi. Said he could tell me about some live rock performances over the weekend...you know, by calling on the mobile nmber he doesn't yet have. Yours truly smiled sadly...Let new guy know that 24th bday is just around the corner. Another week to be exact. Figured he'll realize I'm a hag and leave me alone. New guy just smiles and wants to know my birthday plans. Whoa! Missed getting off at correct bus stop for home. C'mon, can you blame me??
Friday:
Ran from home to bus stop. Missed office bus. Got a second office bus. Had to stand for half and hour. Slept for another half and hour when a seat finally became available. Reached office refreshed. Entered work bay. New guy strolls over to say hi. Wait a minute...I didn't tell him where I sit. Talks about the band performance. Takes my number to inform me about it over the weekend. When he leaves, I dance over to eccentric brit neighbour and tell him how I enjoy the sheer innocence and exuberance of younger guys. How sweet they are. And how new hot guy is totally innocent and harmless (well, I thought he was!). Eccentric brit (also wily old man) points out how my "innocent" young friend had managed to get a mobile number and permission to call on the weekend. I am amazed at the smoothness of it all. I feel old and dumb. Speak to work girlfriend later. She tells me I should feel flattered and happy. After all, I am now the old wine. Old wine at 24. Sigh. I tell her, old wine is ok. What if I'm rancid wine! She bursts out laughing. So do I. Suddenly we realize this would be a great line in the blog and I quickly write it down lest I forget it due to my advancing years. Yes, I know. I need to get a life. In the evening, ran from office to bus stop. Couldn't find office bus. New guy calls me and says bus is about to leave, and he is holding it up for me. I run to bus. Sit with new guy and try very hard not to let him see how out of breath I am. I remember the bus stop this time. I guess the facination is over.
Saturday:
Sleep. Get hair cut. Shop. Have girlie night out. At night mum tells me she went to buy Harpic. The shopkeeper showed her 4 bottles and said it now comes in 4 "flavours"! Get a giggle attack.
Sunday:
Write about my week. Start giggling again. Cannot stop. Hope I don't miss the bus tomorrow morning :-D
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Will you marry me?
When I was a little girl with stars in my eyes and dreams of the perfect prince and fairytale life (well, at 15 who doesn't), I could never have anticipated the realities of adult life and its attendant miseries. One of those being getting married.
I turn 24 later this month, and my extended family has left no stones un-turned to remind me that now is the time to "put myself in the market". Suddenly I've become a perishable item (like milk perhaps) because I've been told that I have a "shelf-life"! When did I make the journey from being a fresh-faced collegiate to curdled milk?
As a result of all these persuasions, I've started glancing at some of the matrimonials that appear on Sunday, and those that appear online on popular matrimonial and dating sites. I thought I'd share a small selection with you, and ask that you vote on your favorite entry.
1. MBA Topmost US Business School, MS, B.Tech (IIT), New York Investment Banker, Six figures, US Citizen...Brahmin, visiting Dec, younger looking 47 (WOW. where did he discover the fountain of youth. Just as I'm beginning to wonder how we let such a perfect specimen leave our shores undetected, I realize there's more.)
Good personality...caring, wide intellectual, artistic, spiritual interests (I guess than means he doesn't see porn ever), innocent divorcee (Awwwwww...poor baby), brief visa marriage (Spiritual, innocent eh??), no issues (Maybe he's shooting blanks?), traditional values (Which probably explain why he agreed to a visa marriage), open to living in India (He just got pink-slipped, and hopes your industrialist daddy can gift him a couple of factories)
2. Attractive male. 35. Single (Really?? I was wondering why you were here), seeking (1) Female (Thanks for clearing that up) (2) Between 23 and 24 (3) Weight between 51 and 52 kgs (4) Height between 5 ft and 5.2 ft (5) very fair(6) Education: Only JMC passout with B.Com(H) (WOW, talk about specifics.)
Guy is open minded (Yes, thats quite obvious with his requirements isnt it??). Only girl should convince boy (So you're saying the girl should serenade him?? Court him?? What??). Boy can run really fast (HUH???!!!???)
And if you thought it was just men who could put out the odd one (excuse the pun), here are some ladies for you:
3. General: i am 24; female; engineer from india; good loking; very intelligent and caring; my colour is fair. i make good foods (Maa ke haath ke khane ka swaad)
Looking for: i don't like people - who r flirts. such timepassers r full time waste (Did that rhyme?). i hate useless; who r crowd (I think the dear girl meant coward, but whatever right). if good people r on earth; they wil come on net (Honey, whats a girl like you doing in a place like this); if bad thn so.....(She's philosophical too...so who is snapping this one up??) As a man he shld take care of his upcoming life n make sure that none interferes in his own personal decisions (She's going to make sure any interfering saas, nanand types are taken care of if you know what I mean ;-)) In short a man who is bold n not old (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA).
4. Looking for: shld laugh easily and make me laugh 2. not too many hang ups - or shld keep them to himself. shld be ready to do crazy stuff at a moments notice. doesnt need to be adonis, jude the obscure can stay away though. smoke, dope,drink-expect the same 2. walk,talk, sing, bla bla together....point is looking for a partner. we can pretend that youre the boss though! (BALL BUSTER)
5. General: i'm a fun loving girl lookin for a partner to have fun with....if u know what i mean...i really like to party and enjoy fast goin people who wudnt mind one night stands and r not so stuck up on their emotions (eh em...sommin tells me that some of the boys reading this will be leaving comments asking for more details on this lady)
Appearance: i like wearin revealing clothes i have the perfect body for it..i think my eyes and my sex appeal r my assets
I forwarded this last profile to my scheming matchmaking maternal uncle to give him an idea of the kind of amazing competition I would have out there. He said not to worry and that he would search out more such entries on the sites and send mails to the site administrators. Ever since then he has actually stopped trying to convince my mom about the need to marry me off. Instead we find him forever glued to his monitor with a stupid grin on his face.
What can I say people. She shoots, she scores!
I turn 24 later this month, and my extended family has left no stones un-turned to remind me that now is the time to "put myself in the market". Suddenly I've become a perishable item (like milk perhaps) because I've been told that I have a "shelf-life"! When did I make the journey from being a fresh-faced collegiate to curdled milk?
As a result of all these persuasions, I've started glancing at some of the matrimonials that appear on Sunday, and those that appear online on popular matrimonial and dating sites. I thought I'd share a small selection with you, and ask that you vote on your favorite entry.
1. MBA Topmost US Business School, MS, B.Tech (IIT), New York Investment Banker, Six figures, US Citizen...Brahmin, visiting Dec, younger looking 47 (WOW. where did he discover the fountain of youth. Just as I'm beginning to wonder how we let such a perfect specimen leave our shores undetected, I realize there's more.)
Good personality...caring, wide intellectual, artistic, spiritual interests (I guess than means he doesn't see porn ever), innocent divorcee (Awwwwww...poor baby), brief visa marriage (Spiritual, innocent eh??), no issues (Maybe he's shooting blanks?), traditional values (Which probably explain why he agreed to a visa marriage), open to living in India (He just got pink-slipped, and hopes your industrialist daddy can gift him a couple of factories)
2. Attractive male. 35. Single (Really?? I was wondering why you were here), seeking (1) Female (Thanks for clearing that up) (2) Between 23 and 24 (3) Weight between 51 and 52 kgs (4) Height between 5 ft and 5.2 ft (5) very fair(6) Education: Only JMC passout with B.Com(H) (WOW, talk about specifics.)
Guy is open minded (Yes, thats quite obvious with his requirements isnt it??). Only girl should convince boy (So you're saying the girl should serenade him?? Court him?? What??). Boy can run really fast (HUH???!!!???)
And if you thought it was just men who could put out the odd one (excuse the pun), here are some ladies for you:
3. General: i am 24; female; engineer from india; good loking; very intelligent and caring; my colour is fair. i make good foods (Maa ke haath ke khane ka swaad)
Looking for: i don't like people - who r flirts. such timepassers r full time waste (Did that rhyme?). i hate useless; who r crowd (I think the dear girl meant coward, but whatever right). if good people r on earth; they wil come on net (Honey, whats a girl like you doing in a place like this); if bad thn so.....(She's philosophical too...so who is snapping this one up??) As a man he shld take care of his upcoming life n make sure that none interferes in his own personal decisions (She's going to make sure any interfering saas, nanand types are taken care of if you know what I mean ;-)) In short a man who is bold n not old (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA).
4. Looking for: shld laugh easily and make me laugh 2. not too many hang ups - or shld keep them to himself. shld be ready to do crazy stuff at a moments notice. doesnt need to be adonis, jude the obscure can stay away though. smoke, dope,drink-expect the same 2. walk,talk, sing, bla bla together....point is looking for a partner. we can pretend that youre the boss though! (BALL BUSTER)
5. General: i'm a fun loving girl lookin for a partner to have fun with....if u know what i mean...i really like to party and enjoy fast goin people who wudnt mind one night stands and r not so stuck up on their emotions (eh em...sommin tells me that some of the boys reading this will be leaving comments asking for more details on this lady)
Appearance: i like wearin revealing clothes i have the perfect body for it..i think my eyes and my sex appeal r my assets
I forwarded this last profile to my scheming matchmaking maternal uncle to give him an idea of the kind of amazing competition I would have out there. He said not to worry and that he would search out more such entries on the sites and send mails to the site administrators. Ever since then he has actually stopped trying to convince my mom about the need to marry me off. Instead we find him forever glued to his monitor with a stupid grin on his face.
What can I say people. She shoots, she scores!
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Highlights
Its been a long hiatus hasn't it. I've missed the whole writing my heart out experience.
Here's the highlights -
1. It was mum's b'day last Saturday. I bought her an LG B2100 mobile phone. Now I'm a die-hard Nokia girl, but this was the cheapest camera phone available @ 6000 bucks. Good to get mum started on. She's quite fond of playing around on her cell and I figured it was about time she moved onto a new toy. Ofcourse its a different matter altogether that I've been messing with this mobile more than she has. The cell isn't a patch on a Nokia, but LG has this neat website from where you can download cool stuff, and transfer data between mobile and PC without using bluetooth etc. I'm scared of the bluetooth dongle. Don't ask me why.
2. We had an office party on Tuesday night. I can't for the life of me figure out why it was organized on a Tuesday night. Perhaps they think that folks will drink lesser in mid-week parties, so organizing one in such a manner would save money. I wonder what's next - washable toilet paper maybe? A bunch of the senior management types decided that they would put up a dance show for us lesser mortals. Its bad enough that we wonder what work they do on a daily basis, but seeing them put up a well-coordinated show confirms my long-held suspicions about their utilization at work. One lady infact took things a little too far by wearing very few clothes, and dancing in a skirt on stage, exposing her lacy whites for the world to see. A colleague commented quite snidely today that our lady of the lacy whites has been "climbing the corporate ladder lad-by-lad."
3. I was supposed to give the boss some utilization data. Like all good quality- certified companies, mine also requires us to enter time data in a system on a daily basis under the appropriate buckets. At the end of the week, they do some complex mathematical analysis to figure out exactly how over or under utilized the workers are (if you're a blue-eyed baby, you're over-utilized, and if you're loved as much as a genital wart, then you're obviously under-utilized). I am quite a stickler (or OCD as my boss says) for entering data in the correct buckets. Last week, I hit a near orgasmic high when I realized that all my data was entered and accounted for in the neatest possible fashion. The sad realization that I'm truly single hit me at that exact moment.
4. There's a nice fellow who sits next to me and my snot boy neighbour these days. Me and brit accented old neighbour were chatting new guy up, when new guy casually mentions that he's been scuba diving for about 6 years. Ever so often, when he has friends down from Europe, he takes them to the reefs in Andaman. Immediately afterwards, new guy said he was hungry. Seeing as how he's somewhat cute, if already taken, I offered him an apple. He politely accepted and told me that this entire month he's on a fruit only diet. He also casually mentioned his last career as journo, and how he's an art dealer. Last week, new guy was attacked by some thugs at night. Instead of running away, he actually fought them, and came to work the next day with scars all over. Man, talk about belonging to another planet. New guy also apparently has a fiancee he dotes on. I once overhear him saying that he didn't care what his mom thought, but he loved his woman the way she was. The chances of a guy saying that are about 1 in 1,0000000000 as a friend at work put it. I know I should feel hope that men like that are around, but I just felt a bit inadequate. Gimme a guy who drinks beer, watches cricket, and is confused by women any day.
Since the last 2 weeks were spent on a bit of a roller coaster ride, I thought I'd compile a short list as I went along -
Things/People I Love -
1. Approachable bosses
2. Confident women at work
3. The auto wallah who actually agrees to go by a non-tampered meter
4. The one finance guy who actually helps you out
5. Friends who let you get drunk and vent without passing judgment
6. Mums who say "I think you know how to use this phone better than me, so why don't you take it"
7. Retired uncles and aunts who insist on scanning the matrimonials and actually make you laugh by reading out the funniest adverts. There was one that said "girl with defect preferred"
8. Folks who leave behind comments on blogs
9. Payroll
10. The sales person at the cash counter who says "Madam, this trouser is accidently marked at 1500, but its actually on sale for 1000"
Things/People I Hate -
1. People who sit really close to you at trainings, and try to chat you up.
2. When you refuse to respond, the same people will force burp throughout the meeting
3. People who chew their food with their mouths open.
4. Men who douse themselves in cologne so much so that they merely have to walk by and I have a sneezing fit.
5. Women at work who are on the phone constantly discussing everything but work. This includes discussions about satin petticoats and the color of their kids' potty.
6. Rude cab drivers.
7. The guy who insists on serving chapatis at lunch, wears a plastic glove, but scratches his balls anyway.
8. Project managers who first assign you to Project A, then change their minds and give you Project B, then again throw you to Project A, and then again to Project B.
9. HR
10. The sales person at the store who insists "Madam, yeh apka size nahi hai"
Here's the highlights -
1. It was mum's b'day last Saturday. I bought her an LG B2100 mobile phone. Now I'm a die-hard Nokia girl, but this was the cheapest camera phone available @ 6000 bucks. Good to get mum started on. She's quite fond of playing around on her cell and I figured it was about time she moved onto a new toy. Ofcourse its a different matter altogether that I've been messing with this mobile more than she has. The cell isn't a patch on a Nokia, but LG has this neat website from where you can download cool stuff, and transfer data between mobile and PC without using bluetooth etc. I'm scared of the bluetooth dongle. Don't ask me why.
2. We had an office party on Tuesday night. I can't for the life of me figure out why it was organized on a Tuesday night. Perhaps they think that folks will drink lesser in mid-week parties, so organizing one in such a manner would save money. I wonder what's next - washable toilet paper maybe? A bunch of the senior management types decided that they would put up a dance show for us lesser mortals. Its bad enough that we wonder what work they do on a daily basis, but seeing them put up a well-coordinated show confirms my long-held suspicions about their utilization at work. One lady infact took things a little too far by wearing very few clothes, and dancing in a skirt on stage, exposing her lacy whites for the world to see. A colleague commented quite snidely today that our lady of the lacy whites has been "climbing the corporate ladder lad-by-lad."
3. I was supposed to give the boss some utilization data. Like all good quality- certified companies, mine also requires us to enter time data in a system on a daily basis under the appropriate buckets. At the end of the week, they do some complex mathematical analysis to figure out exactly how over or under utilized the workers are (if you're a blue-eyed baby, you're over-utilized, and if you're loved as much as a genital wart, then you're obviously under-utilized). I am quite a stickler (or OCD as my boss says) for entering data in the correct buckets. Last week, I hit a near orgasmic high when I realized that all my data was entered and accounted for in the neatest possible fashion. The sad realization that I'm truly single hit me at that exact moment.
4. There's a nice fellow who sits next to me and my snot boy neighbour these days. Me and brit accented old neighbour were chatting new guy up, when new guy casually mentions that he's been scuba diving for about 6 years. Ever so often, when he has friends down from Europe, he takes them to the reefs in Andaman. Immediately afterwards, new guy said he was hungry. Seeing as how he's somewhat cute, if already taken, I offered him an apple. He politely accepted and told me that this entire month he's on a fruit only diet. He also casually mentioned his last career as journo, and how he's an art dealer. Last week, new guy was attacked by some thugs at night. Instead of running away, he actually fought them, and came to work the next day with scars all over. Man, talk about belonging to another planet. New guy also apparently has a fiancee he dotes on. I once overhear him saying that he didn't care what his mom thought, but he loved his woman the way she was. The chances of a guy saying that are about 1 in 1,0000000000 as a friend at work put it. I know I should feel hope that men like that are around, but I just felt a bit inadequate. Gimme a guy who drinks beer, watches cricket, and is confused by women any day.
Since the last 2 weeks were spent on a bit of a roller coaster ride, I thought I'd compile a short list as I went along -
Things/People I Love -
1. Approachable bosses
2. Confident women at work
3. The auto wallah who actually agrees to go by a non-tampered meter
4. The one finance guy who actually helps you out
5. Friends who let you get drunk and vent without passing judgment
6. Mums who say "I think you know how to use this phone better than me, so why don't you take it"
7. Retired uncles and aunts who insist on scanning the matrimonials and actually make you laugh by reading out the funniest adverts. There was one that said "girl with defect preferred"
8. Folks who leave behind comments on blogs
9. Payroll
10. The sales person at the cash counter who says "Madam, this trouser is accidently marked at 1500, but its actually on sale for 1000"
Things/People I Hate -
1. People who sit really close to you at trainings, and try to chat you up.
2. When you refuse to respond, the same people will force burp throughout the meeting
3. People who chew their food with their mouths open.
4. Men who douse themselves in cologne so much so that they merely have to walk by and I have a sneezing fit.
5. Women at work who are on the phone constantly discussing everything but work. This includes discussions about satin petticoats and the color of their kids' potty.
6. Rude cab drivers.
7. The guy who insists on serving chapatis at lunch, wears a plastic glove, but scratches his balls anyway.
8. Project managers who first assign you to Project A, then change their minds and give you Project B, then again throw you to Project A, and then again to Project B.
9. HR
10. The sales person at the store who insists "Madam, yeh apka size nahi hai"
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Here we go again...
Last night, college buddies and I finally met up again, and there were no blasts in Delhi. The curse has been lifted.
We headed out to my favourite pub. Me, and 6 guys. Can you imagine how the over-protective servers and manager would've reacted! We had a fantastic time. One of these guys has just returned from London after 2 years, and I was amazed - NO CHANGE WHATSOEVER. I've had the pleasure of meeting people who after week long trips to Bangkok develop Americanized accents. Long Island Ice Tea, Sex at the Movies, Margarita, Screwdriver, Brain Hammerage - all our favorites flowed like water. I pointed out Harvey Ballbanger to the guys, but they all politely declined with pained expressions on their faces. We danced the night away, and yours truly has had memory flashes all day today.
Anyway, I had thought that folks would've had enough of Gen 1 and Gen 2 of open-mouth-insert-foot situations, but colleagues and readers have contributed more instances. Some were left behind on the Comments section, some were mailed to me, and yet more were furtively sent to me on instant messenger at office.
1. Lalit Singh said...
Oft seen in mails
Please revrt back in case of queries
Yeah rite.. since i can't revert forward. guess thats the only choice I have
Or during presentations
Can u please repeat that again..
Sure thing!! right after I repeat it for the first time
"my cousin brother"..
oh ..so he's ur cousin n brother as well
"Kerosene oil"
what else do u have in kerosene?
"why dont u come for dinner tomm night"
Hmmmmm... lets have that dinner tommorow morning.. what say?
2. silverine said...
There was this tame one from my office.
We are very grateful for your kind gesticulation
3. Vaibhav said...
Or when people get clothes for (from a recent experience) office farewells... "How did you know my size!!" Then theres "Blow harder!" at birthday cake cutting.. er... ceremonies...
4. Anonymous - dude/dudette, next time leave a name plzz
Got this from a colleague at office "For the trek I had taken just a stick and a few old newspapers and had to borrow a sleeping bag. That lady saw my equipment and laughed before lending her bag to me.."
5. The elderly camel said...
At a sports quiz I attended some time back, in an visual round, the quiz master held up Raman Lamba's picture and asked us to identify him. One team gets it right. Says the q-master, " Thats right. Its Raman Lamba in one of his favourite positions", referring to Lamba standing at silly point.
6. From office colleague - you know who you are...and if I tell anyone who you are, you're gonna kill me, aren't ya?
- Female Graphic Designer(GD) to Web Developer(WD) about a graphic file: "Daal diya andar?" WD: "Ek minute."
- Fellow traveller in sumo responding crankily to someone who asked her to close the window to keep out the chill breeze: "Yeh mera hai, aur mein kholke rakoongi." (happened recently)
- Female employee looking at the laptop: "Mera Inbox aaj khul nahin raha."
- Female employee to Tech guy: "Yeh unzip nahin ho raha." Tech guy "Abhi aake dekhta hoon."
- From my college days. Girl complained to chemistry lab assisstant that the lab equipment he gave her was not of the right size. Lab assistent replied: "Aapko yeh thodi dhekhna hai ki yeh badaa hai ke chota hai. Aapke lia bus useful hona chaahia."
- This is actually supposed to have happened in an NIIT center. This slightly eccentric instructor was chatting up a girl and asking her what she would be during the summer hols. She replied, "Oh, I am going to Mount Abu." He shot back, "Who is Abu?"
We headed out to my favourite pub. Me, and 6 guys. Can you imagine how the over-protective servers and manager would've reacted! We had a fantastic time. One of these guys has just returned from London after 2 years, and I was amazed - NO CHANGE WHATSOEVER. I've had the pleasure of meeting people who after week long trips to Bangkok develop Americanized accents. Long Island Ice Tea, Sex at the Movies, Margarita, Screwdriver, Brain Hammerage - all our favorites flowed like water. I pointed out Harvey Ballbanger to the guys, but they all politely declined with pained expressions on their faces. We danced the night away, and yours truly has had memory flashes all day today.
Anyway, I had thought that folks would've had enough of Gen 1 and Gen 2 of open-mouth-insert-foot situations, but colleagues and readers have contributed more instances. Some were left behind on the Comments section, some were mailed to me, and yet more were furtively sent to me on instant messenger at office.
1. Lalit Singh said...
Oft seen in mails
Please revrt back in case of queries
Yeah rite.. since i can't revert forward. guess thats the only choice I have
Or during presentations
Can u please repeat that again..
Sure thing!! right after I repeat it for the first time
"my cousin brother"..
oh ..so he's ur cousin n brother as well
"Kerosene oil"
what else do u have in kerosene?
"why dont u come for dinner tomm night"
Hmmmmm... lets have that dinner tommorow morning.. what say?
2. silverine said...
There was this tame one from my office.
We are very grateful for your kind gesticulation
3. Vaibhav said...
Or when people get clothes for (from a recent experience) office farewells... "How did you know my size!!" Then theres "Blow harder!" at birthday cake cutting.. er... ceremonies...
4. Anonymous - dude/dudette, next time leave a name plzz
Got this from a colleague at office "For the trek I had taken just a stick and a few old newspapers and had to borrow a sleeping bag. That lady saw my equipment and laughed before lending her bag to me.."
5. The elderly camel said...
At a sports quiz I attended some time back, in an visual round, the quiz master held up Raman Lamba's picture and asked us to identify him. One team gets it right. Says the q-master, " Thats right. Its Raman Lamba in one of his favourite positions", referring to Lamba standing at silly point.
6. From office colleague - you know who you are...and if I tell anyone who you are, you're gonna kill me, aren't ya?
- Female Graphic Designer(GD) to Web Developer(WD) about a graphic file: "Daal diya andar?" WD: "Ek minute."
- Fellow traveller in sumo responding crankily to someone who asked her to close the window to keep out the chill breeze: "Yeh mera hai, aur mein kholke rakoongi." (happened recently)
- Female employee looking at the laptop: "Mera Inbox aaj khul nahin raha."
- Female employee to Tech guy: "Yeh unzip nahin ho raha." Tech guy "Abhi aake dekhta hoon."
- From my college days. Girl complained to chemistry lab assisstant that the lab equipment he gave her was not of the right size. Lab assistent replied: "Aapko yeh thodi dhekhna hai ki yeh badaa hai ke chota hai. Aapke lia bus useful hona chaahia."
- This is actually supposed to have happened in an NIIT center. This slightly eccentric instructor was chatting up a girl and asking her what she would be during the summer hols. She replied, "Oh, I am going to Mount Abu." He shot back, "Who is Abu?"
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Foot in the Mouth Disease
(For those who've just tuned in, this is the second in a series of entries about highly unadvisable things to say around offices, and as you'll discover, other seemingly benign places like the neighbourhood vegetable vendor)
To start off, I bumped into a senior from college on Sunday evening in a yuppie market. She ended our brief conversation by saying, "It was great banging into you." "Gee thanks", I said. "Pleasures all mine", almost went through, but I stopped it in time, as I did the smirk on my face.
Monday evening at the neighbourhood veggie shop, where all the fruits and vegetables were set out, with prices prominently displayed, a woman walked up to the vendor and said, "Kela dikhao". Eh?
Among the other things I heard last week -
1. "Sir, I am holding it for you" - Benetton salesman to a friend about a couple of suits he had reserved for him ahead of a trip to the US.
2. My vendor again called me and said, "I am working on it at my end." I believe I should guide him to this blog.
3. Some one at Church actually said, "The ladies will be discarding clothing of all kind ahead of the fete." I have a strange feeling, he wanted to bang his head into the wall (pun totally unintended) when this statement would've replayed in his head.
4. My favourite pub introduced a new cocktail called "Harvey Ballbanger". Now, "Screaming Orgasm", "Sex on the Beach", "Cum Soon" I had gotten used to, but really "...Ballbanger". Now that's original.
5. Someone from Corporate Communications at work recently described a colleague as "All fart no shit". I'd never heard those words being used together in that way before.
6. Apart from that, the funniest stuff I've read was left behind by readers on the comments section of the last blog.
To cap the week, on Friday, we were told to get into the spirit of Diwali at office. You know, decorate your bays, dress in sarees, kurta pajaymas etc. Part of an urban phenomenon that got played across MNC offices all over Noida, Gurgaon and Delhi. So anyway, we had women turn up in pretty sarees. Lots of different blouses. Some deep down the front. Some deep down the back. Some deep at both locations. Yours truly played it safe in a suit. Wearing a saree, and travelling even in an office bus does not cut it for me. Either the saree would've reached, or I would've. Worst still, I could've had a Draupadi-like situation, with the bus door and the seat edges to blame. My team was totally not in the spirit of decorating our bays. The other folks however, were much more enthusiastic. They had floating candles, rangoli, streamers, and best of all, rows upon rows of marigold strings. So much so, it resembled more a suhagraat set, than a corporate stronghold.
Saturday evening, I caught Legend of Zorro. Antonio Banderas and Catherine Zeta Jones have about as much chemistry this time around as 2 asexual sponges at the bottom of the ocean. Anyway, the movie ended at about 6, and I headed back home, to get dressed again, and go out for a college gang get-together. Now, the last time I had caught up with everyone, there had been blasts at the movie halls, and we had all been at Priya. You can imagine my surprise when just as we were all about to step out of home, my boss called me up to inform me about the 3 blasts in Delhi. Needless to say, the plan was cancelled for the evening.
I feel horrid for everyone who lost family during the festival season. As for Delhi, I must say, this city has a capability to remain un-daunted by just about anything. I mean, the whole "monster in East Delhi" thing a few months back scared Delhities more than the bomb blasts did. While I admire this "get-up-dust-the-knees-live-again" attitude our city has, I still do wish we'd also exhibit some solidarity atleast with people of our own city. I mean, half an hour after the blasts, folks around where I live starting bursting crackers! Getting back to life, I get, this flagrant dis-regard I dont. NDTV has starting a campaign to light a diya at 8 PM tonight to express this solidarity. I have my light. I hope everyone else does too.
As for the terrorists who thought they'd get us to "shit bricks" as a colleague succintly puts it, "UP YOURS".
To start off, I bumped into a senior from college on Sunday evening in a yuppie market. She ended our brief conversation by saying, "It was great banging into you." "Gee thanks", I said. "Pleasures all mine", almost went through, but I stopped it in time, as I did the smirk on my face.
Monday evening at the neighbourhood veggie shop, where all the fruits and vegetables were set out, with prices prominently displayed, a woman walked up to the vendor and said, "Kela dikhao". Eh?
Among the other things I heard last week -
1. "Sir, I am holding it for you" - Benetton salesman to a friend about a couple of suits he had reserved for him ahead of a trip to the US.
2. My vendor again called me and said, "I am working on it at my end." I believe I should guide him to this blog.
3. Some one at Church actually said, "The ladies will be discarding clothing of all kind ahead of the fete." I have a strange feeling, he wanted to bang his head into the wall (pun totally unintended) when this statement would've replayed in his head.
4. My favourite pub introduced a new cocktail called "Harvey Ballbanger". Now, "Screaming Orgasm", "Sex on the Beach", "Cum Soon" I had gotten used to, but really "...Ballbanger". Now that's original.
5. Someone from Corporate Communications at work recently described a colleague as "All fart no shit". I'd never heard those words being used together in that way before.
6. Apart from that, the funniest stuff I've read was left behind by readers on the comments section of the last blog.
To cap the week, on Friday, we were told to get into the spirit of Diwali at office. You know, decorate your bays, dress in sarees, kurta pajaymas etc. Part of an urban phenomenon that got played across MNC offices all over Noida, Gurgaon and Delhi. So anyway, we had women turn up in pretty sarees. Lots of different blouses. Some deep down the front. Some deep down the back. Some deep at both locations. Yours truly played it safe in a suit. Wearing a saree, and travelling even in an office bus does not cut it for me. Either the saree would've reached, or I would've. Worst still, I could've had a Draupadi-like situation, with the bus door and the seat edges to blame. My team was totally not in the spirit of decorating our bays. The other folks however, were much more enthusiastic. They had floating candles, rangoli, streamers, and best of all, rows upon rows of marigold strings. So much so, it resembled more a suhagraat set, than a corporate stronghold.
Saturday evening, I caught Legend of Zorro. Antonio Banderas and Catherine Zeta Jones have about as much chemistry this time around as 2 asexual sponges at the bottom of the ocean. Anyway, the movie ended at about 6, and I headed back home, to get dressed again, and go out for a college gang get-together. Now, the last time I had caught up with everyone, there had been blasts at the movie halls, and we had all been at Priya. You can imagine my surprise when just as we were all about to step out of home, my boss called me up to inform me about the 3 blasts in Delhi. Needless to say, the plan was cancelled for the evening.
I feel horrid for everyone who lost family during the festival season. As for Delhi, I must say, this city has a capability to remain un-daunted by just about anything. I mean, the whole "monster in East Delhi" thing a few months back scared Delhities more than the bomb blasts did. While I admire this "get-up-dust-the-knees-live-again" attitude our city has, I still do wish we'd also exhibit some solidarity atleast with people of our own city. I mean, half an hour after the blasts, folks around where I live starting bursting crackers! Getting back to life, I get, this flagrant dis-regard I dont. NDTV has starting a campaign to light a diya at 8 PM tonight to express this solidarity. I have my light. I hope everyone else does too.
As for the terrorists who thought they'd get us to "shit bricks" as a colleague succintly puts it, "UP YOURS".
Thursday, October 20, 2005
From the mouths of ...
I used to thoroughly enjoy the outake shots at the end of all Jackie Chan movies. You know, where they show him struggling to remember a dialogue, and then the whole crew laughs. Or like when he somersaults backwards from the 89th floor of a building, while escaping from iron chains, and then they show him crack his skull open, be taken to the hospital and all that.
Life has plenty of such bloopers. Here is an example of items heard around office.
During casual/official conversations that turn interesting or aggravating -
1. "Oh teri ben&#$&&^#%&#" (since I work in North India, this should require no translation)
2. "Or teri ma&#$&&^#%&#" (since I work in North India, this should require no translation)
(Notice, that men are never referred to, while mommies and didis most often are)
During lunch -
1. While eating vegetable kofta curry/vegetable munchurian:
a. "These balls are hard"
b. "These balls taste bad"
c. "These balls are raw"
d. "These balls are too big"
(Notice, how any sentence with the word "ball" in it begins to sound dirty. For instance, telling someone with a slow mouse to "Clean the ball yaar")
In formal e-mails -
1. To client: "I assure you that we will try and satisfy you with our full rage of services"; alternatively, "Its working at my end"
2. To vendor: "You need to improve things at your end"
(Notice again, that usage of the terms "my end" and "your end" may sound formal, but really aren't
Here are some of the winners from last week at my office -
1. To the functional manager during a presentation he was making - "So, how long is your thing?"
2. My client teasing me about my vertically-challenged frame (he's 6 feet 5 inces, i'm 5 feet, no inches) - "You'll fit right between my legs"
3. Male client to me while asking for help with a laptop bag - "will you unzip it for me"
4. Senior Manager to me - "Did you cum yesterday"; alternatively, "Are you cuming?"
And fnally, the GRAND PRIZE goes to -
Male colleague in cab, when 2 more women sitting at the back with us, finally left, giving us much needed leg space - "Now you can spread your legs"!!
Life has plenty of such bloopers. Here is an example of items heard around office.
During casual/official conversations that turn interesting or aggravating -
1. "Oh teri ben&#$&&^#%&#" (since I work in North India, this should require no translation)
2. "Or teri ma&#$&&^#%&#" (since I work in North India, this should require no translation)
(Notice, that men are never referred to, while mommies and didis most often are)
During lunch -
1. While eating vegetable kofta curry/vegetable munchurian:
a. "These balls are hard"
b. "These balls taste bad"
c. "These balls are raw"
d. "These balls are too big"
(Notice, how any sentence with the word "ball" in it begins to sound dirty. For instance, telling someone with a slow mouse to "Clean the ball yaar")
In formal e-mails -
1. To client: "I assure you that we will try and satisfy you with our full rage of services"; alternatively, "Its working at my end"
2. To vendor: "You need to improve things at your end"
(Notice again, that usage of the terms "my end" and "your end" may sound formal, but really aren't
Here are some of the winners from last week at my office -
1. To the functional manager during a presentation he was making - "So, how long is your thing?"
2. My client teasing me about my vertically-challenged frame (he's 6 feet 5 inces, i'm 5 feet, no inches) - "You'll fit right between my legs"
3. Male client to me while asking for help with a laptop bag - "will you unzip it for me"
4. Senior Manager to me - "Did you cum yesterday"; alternatively, "Are you cuming?"
And fnally, the GRAND PRIZE goes to -
Male colleague in cab, when 2 more women sitting at the back with us, finally left, giving us much needed leg space - "Now you can spread your legs"!!
Monday, October 17, 2005
Valium please
Not a good Monday by any standard. Went to work after a 5 day vacation with high-viral fever. Couldn't stay home coz no one would've believed me. I can't believe I am already waiting for Saturday.
Lots of good cheer for other folks in my office though. 2 consultants got absorbed into the company as full-time employees. Good for them.
And here is the root to my bad mood - a really nice girl at office got engaged to her boyfriend. They are a nice, sweet couple, and I'm really happy for her. It was so idiotic that whatever free time I got, all I could think about was what could have been and isn't. I know there's going to be the whole "grieving" period and all that, but c'mon...I think I'm even more pissed at myself for feeling this way.
Can someone gift me a vacation to Goa please? Or to Leh? Or get me a book-writing deal or something.
Lots of good cheer for other folks in my office though. 2 consultants got absorbed into the company as full-time employees. Good for them.
And here is the root to my bad mood - a really nice girl at office got engaged to her boyfriend. They are a nice, sweet couple, and I'm really happy for her. It was so idiotic that whatever free time I got, all I could think about was what could have been and isn't. I know there's going to be the whole "grieving" period and all that, but c'mon...I think I'm even more pissed at myself for feeling this way.
Can someone gift me a vacation to Goa please? Or to Leh? Or get me a book-writing deal or something.
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